Bernadette's Blog

when you wish upon a star

2006-05-18T22:32:00.000-04:00

what a great trip. seriously. i <3 disney world. if i lived there for the rest of my life, i'd be perfectly content.

but i don't. i'm back home. i'm not in a bad mood at all. i just keep thinking of things that annoy me. and as much as i'd like to update and elaborate more on how the trip was, i really need time to let it all sink in. maybe i'll never elaborate on it...maybe it's just too good for words.

it's weird going there for a second time though. when i got there, it felt like i had never left. and as happy as i was, i felt like like i had lived all the happiness the first time. it wasn't the same as seeing it for the first time. it's okay though, because i was still like a little kid and flipped out at the slightest sight of mickey.

it's good to be home, but not at the same time. my room is a mess, and now i have to worry about unpacking....and by unpacking i mean, actually unpacking all the stuff i brought home from school, because i didn't have time to before i left. and bath and body works still hasn't called me back. i should have heard from them by now. and i never heard from the people i'm supposed to babysit...ugh.

i've been thinking of switching over to livejournal. i don't feel the same connection with blogger as i did with xanga, and it's because all my friends used to be on xanga and we all read each other's entries and commented, and everything. it was more of a community. here i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall. and now all my MSU friends on on livejournal, and since MSU is pretty much my life right now, i think going over there to form better communication with my friends wouldn't be that bad of an idea. the question is, should i stick with my previous user name of live journal (because back in the day i used to have one), or should i make a new one? my previous one used to be angangel910 (don't ask. i don't want to tell). if i make a new one, should it be bernadinanna, or should i make a different one? idk...we'll see.

i was going to post about all the things that piss me off. but i think i'll just end this on a happy note and say i had a great time in florida. a big thanks to jeffrey for an amazing week. i had a blast.

he saw stars in his eyes

2006-05-11T00:22:00.000-04:00

so it's the end of school. and i'm not all sentimental about it like i thought i would be. usually i take the end of the year to reflect about it...about myself..and whatever. personally i'm kind of getting fed up with all this "and this marks the end of the era of sophomore year chapter of my life" like they're writing a god damn book or something. but i suppose whatever floats your boat (and finds your lost remote? i think that's what it is...) .

i haven't had much room/time to think about this year or be happy that it's over. between the time that i finished my final monday at 12, and now, i've had to pack up all my shit, take it down to the car (and i have serious appreciation for everyone who helped me. it made me really happy to realize i have friends here. not like they read this anyway.), drive to my house with rhiannon for a meet and greet with my 'rents, drive her back, pack matt's stuff up, bring him home, unload the car, come back here for a restless night of sleep, drive back to montclair today to get the rest of rhiannon's stuff, sweep my old room, come back, go to the mall with matt to get him sexy new sneakers (and boy are they sexy), and then finally start unpacking/repacking to go to FLORIDA to visit JEFF tomorrow for a week!!!

as one can see, i've barely had room to breathe. right now my room is "neatly arranged" so that all the shit i brought home from school is on one half of my room, so my brother can still use it for when his friends come over. ugh it's like i share a room.

but i suppose now that i have found time to finally make a post, i can reflect on this year. i'm happy. there were bad times, there were good times. there weren't any extremely good times, or extremely bad times. it was pretty much kept under control, except for a few times. i wish i had more extremely good times, but i suppose that my schedule just doesn't permit it. with that said, i realized that i turned into a real tight ass for some time this year. like how i was before bamboozle. i'll go off on a tangent here and talk about that. i really didn't want to go to bamboozle. i was so pissed because i still had a huge list of things to do and i did not want to go to bamboozle at all. i did not realize until we watched fall out boy (last performance of saturday) how much fun i was actually having. the next day i went totally crazy with danielle, with whom i went. we fucking rocked out to p!atd, and had practically front row for senses fail. and wanna know something??? i never liked senses fail...and then after sunday i fucking loved them. the best time of my sophomore year in college was bamboozle, on may 7th. before that, it was only good times that will of course have an impact on me and i'll remember them forever, but i didn't feel the same way.

i've found how to just be myself and be happy. last week i was jamming out to backstreet boys and britney spears, having a blast from my past of teeny-bopper years, and i was feeling perfectly comfortable doing it. i didn't CARE who knew i was listening to pop music. i didn't CARE..i was just genuinely happy. i just put together my playlist for my ipod shuffle to take with me to florida. it has everything from bsb to dragonforce. yeah, that's right....i put dragonforce on my ipod shuffle. and i don't give a shit anymore what somebody thinks of that...i don't care what people think when i say that good charlotte is one of my favorite bands. i don't care of how i'll look when i tell people that i don't like to be in mosh pits and fight for my life at concerts. i don't care anymore what the fuck i wear....i don't care if i'm dressed like punk one day, and a girly girl the next. i don't CARE ANYMORE....i'm fucking happy finally. genuinely really happy. with that said, maybe i'll finally have something interesting to say in the myspace/facebook "about me" sections...ahahahaha.

anyway...here's to the nights of msu 05-06, and i'm ringing in summer 2006 with a bang!

awwww yea!

2006-05-06T01:36:00.000-04:00

i just took all my religion tests and I NAILED THEM!!!!

ahahahahahahahahaha NO MORE RELIGION EVER!!!!!

actually if i had more time i would have loved to read up on the topics like i was supposed to. but not the way this teacher was teaching it.

anyway i'm pretty happy right now as you can imagine.

oh so tired

2006-05-05T17:04:00.000-04:00

i haven't slept very well the past 2 nights after amanda told me her ghost stories. i feel like such a little kid. last night i turned my night light on, even though i can't sleep with light. i'm just so fucking freaked out by the whole thing.

so...3 more days, then i'm free. still have to take my religion tests, and i still have to take my art of fiction final. this weekend is bamboozle. i'm excited but not at the same time. matt's all into rocking out with his cock out, and personally i'm really not into that anymore. or i don't know if i ever was. i'm sorry if it makes me a boring person, but i really don't like when i come to shows and i can't see the band playing or anything because i'm fighting for my life. i mean i guess it's sort of fun? but idk. it's fun up to a certain degree. then i just get cranky and pissy all the time.

whatever. i'm cranky and pissy now. i want life to stop around me.

gotta write a paper

2006-05-02T22:12:00.000-04:00

but i just can't get myself to do it. it's for a class that i've been having problem with, mostly i think due to the fact that i'm constantly being compared to someone. and i know that no matter what i do for this paper, it won't be good enough. i feel like such a crapball about the whole thing, and i feel retarded when i'm always told that something's wrong with my papers. why can't i write perfect papers like i'm supposed to?

2006-05-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

forget trying to help people. just try to be harmless.

hypochondria

2006-05-02T17:17:00.000-04:00

hypochondria

n : chronic and abnormal anxiety about imaginary symptoms and ailments [syn: hypochondriasis]

know anybody like that? yeah. i do. they should all go congregate somewhere and talk about their imaginary ailments. it'll be a party!

school is almost over

2006-04-30T23:29:00.000-04:00

tomorrow is the last day of classes. at least for me. ugh what a crappy year, but at least this semester was better than last.

but it's gotten to that point where i'm getting mad and everything, and it's not necessarily anyone's fault (but don't think that it necessarily isn't...) because i'm tired and i don't want to see these people anymore. it's like back in high school where we all used to just get fed up with each other by the end of the year and everyone was fighting.

anyway. is it wrong that i chose to finally stand up for something that has annoyed me? is it wrong that i choose to tell someone to stop what they're doing, because i'm just tired of it? yeah i don't think so. but i guess others may feel differently. i know that the things i'm talking about aren't big things, but regardless...all these little things just keep going and going and going. at some point i have to burst. my mom told me i have the patience of a saint to put up with these things. well...i guess now that i think about it, this person has the patience of a saint too when it comes to me. ugh, don't know what to make of it.

so i have a dilemna. to explain the whole thing in detail would take too long, so i'll summarize it. i have a situation where i could take the easy way out and get a better grade, or take the harder more time consuming way but exercise the necessary skills i need to become a good english major. i've usually always taken the harder way, but it hasn't worked well in the past before, so i'm thinking that i should just take the easier way this time and just deal with it. poll : what do you think?

i just got a facebook message from jen russ and it made me happy :) i think it's time for bed.

Rainbow Fish

2006-04-28T00:32:00.000-04:00

Rainbow Fish
Originally uploaded by Lewesrat.

soooo cool!

117 messages received from 3 people while being Away

2006-04-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

yeah i'm popular. like omg!

intermission

2006-04-25T15:22:00.000-04:00

ok just for the record....

i'm so sick and tired of studying about racial discrimination and that kind of shit. seriously...martin luther king and the civil rights era is so high school. lets get something new to learn. i already know that white people were assholes to blacks. but seriously...it's done and over with. i'm not racist. i'm not even close to being racist. i'm just tired of studying the same shit over and over again. and then writing college papers on it? god damn, this is so fucking pathetic.

upside down and inside out

2006-04-25T13:49:00.000-04:00

so much fucking work to do before may 10. in actuality it's more like may 8th for me though because i don't have anything due/any finals after that date. but i like matt's idea of listing it all out...it'll give me a better idea of what i still have to do. and i won't keep forgetting.

Art of Fiction

Short Paper due on Thursday 4/27
Poetry Reading
Final Research Paper/Final Exam (it's a choice. dunno which one i'm gonna do yet)

Religion

Hinduisum Test
Buddhism Test
Taoism Test
Shinto Test
Participation on Blackboard
CD-ROM

Creative Nonfiction

Old Love Rewrite (?)
Grandpa Rewrite
Josh Rewrite (?)
4 Journal Entries

Sci-Fi

70 more pages of Diamond Age
Final Exam

College Writing 2

Shakespeare Rewrite
Brooks Rewrite
Sweat Rewrite
Final Paper
Portfolio

Intro to Film

Final Exam

yeah...so i still have a bunch of stuff to do. i'm hoping to just get all the rewrites done today. we'll see how it goes.

i had the most awesome dream last night. seriously it was great. i'm going to put it here later. and maybe make it into a short story/book. it'll be awesome.

i'm so scene.

2006-04-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

so it's about a week away until the end of classses and just now i have learned the beauty of procrastination. it feels GREAT not to give a shit. eventually it'll come and kick me in the ass but for now i'm feeling way too good to care.

i'm having a blast from the past listening to a bunch of songs from back in the day. just a few minutes ago i was rocking out with my cock out to backstreet boys. yeah, backstreet boys. have a problem with that you can bite me. it's all for the purpose of collecting all the album art for my iTunes because it's definitely not there and i like album art.

so yeah i'm excited for summer. except that i probably won't be working at borders this summer. i have to find a job pronto. and i'm really not the least bit kidding. i will have a job. unfortunately it might have to be at the short hills mall but i already hate it there so who the fuck cares?

but speaking of summer, i have created a rough itinerary of what i need to get done during it:
- organize my computer
- organize my closet
- organize my room
- finish my scrapbook
- not get in the way of my family

sounds pretty eventful. i can't wait. ahhh only 14 more days!

do ugly people know they're ugly?

2006-04-14T20:20:00.000-04:00

i was facebooking and i played a game with myself. i had to look at people's profiles, and i'd look at the first 6 friends that the person has displayed when you look at their main page. i had to click on only people i knew/was friends with, until i reached my picture in the top 6. it was fun. then i clicked on my page and i found two people under my top 6 that were ugly. ew. it made me wonder if they know they're ugly and just don't care? or what?

anyway the whole facebooking thing started because i wanted to know who was running for the SGA positions. yeah...i don't know what to think about those.

i'm sick. i stayed up until 3 AM last night. probably wasn't the greatest idea, but the girl next door was on, and i highly enjoy that movie. i'm adding it to my favorite movies list. yes there's a list.

i had something insightful to update on but i suppose i lost it. i hate being sick.

there's plenty like me to be found

2006-04-13T12:17:00.000-04:00

what a week. i'm surprised at msyelf for the way i handled most obstacles this week. i didn't mega stress, i just let things go. whether or not that's a good thing i'll have to find out later.

among the good things that have happened, i by default won the election for president/managing editor of the normal review. that's right, next year i will be the president of montclair state's literary magazine. i'm scared but happy at the same time. it'll definitely be an experience and i can't wait.
to top it off i also got my preferred residence for next year and i will be living in russ hall room 320. no suitemates = my own bathroom. sweetness. plus elyse and cat are living a few doors down in room 318, and eric and mat are living one floor down in 213. so i'm a very happy camper right now.

on another note, i've realized a few random things about myself this week. like one of those "random things you should know about me" type things. i think i'll go ahead and post them just so i can have it all out in front of myself for me.

- i'm generally not a touchy feely person. i don't need to hug everyone and everything. i hate being touched or patted or anything like that unless it's my boyfriend.
- i find myself very shallow, but don't find anything wrong with it. i know what i like and what i don't like. there isn't anything wrong with it.
- i'm really logical in most of my reasoning. some may find me irrational and i won't argue, but there's always some sort of logic to my irrationality.
- i love to travel
- i like group outings, but i like to be alone as well. i need a solid balance of both.
- i hate it when things are a mess.
- i don't like drama. i like to hear about it, sure. but i could care less at the same time. i don't care about people's petty problems if they caused the problems for themselves. you caused the problem so deal with it yourself.

there was more i'm sure. but that's basically what i got out now. man, i'm such a bitch. oh well.

fuck life

2006-04-10T16:48:00.000-04:00

hello world. it's been a while.

so i got a new internal hard drive. 100 GB. sounds great, doesn't it?
yeah.
but then last night i went to go plug in my 2 month old external hard drive to retrieve a file (the external hard drive is where i have my 10K songs, pictures, and school documents backed up) and it doesn't work!
so i troubleshooted all over the place. went to a bunch of websites. and it didn't help.
so this morning i called western digital, and they tried to help but finally the conclusion was that the external hard drive just failed.

WHAT THE FUCK?! I JUST FUCKING BOUGHT IT TWO MONTHS AGO. I USED IT MAYBE A TOTAL OF 3-4 TIMES. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

yeah so you can imagine that today was not exactly a good day.

as mad as i am, i'm surprised that i'm just brushing it off so lightly. yeah i sound upset to everyone i talk to, but inside that's not how i really feel. inside i'm just saying "whatever, i'll just start over" and not really feeling any real anger or sadness. yeah i'm in a crappy sort of mood, but it's not overtaking me. i'm just really sort of numb to the whole thing. which i think is what's making me the most mad...i'm getting mad at myself for not having any feelings.
but at the same time i shouldn't be mad at myself for it because i'm just trying to be happy and not let anything take me down.

i applied for a job at borders yesterday. it wasn't really one of my first choices but when i went in, the people were so nice about it that i just decided to go for it. especially since the people at barnes and noble were kind of mean. i figured that if i didn't have a job over the summer, i'd just spend it reading books anyway. might as well make some money while i'm at it.
but then i thought that i just want summer to be summer, and i just don't want to do anything. at all. i want to sit around and be lazy. because god knows i haven't had an actual free minute to do anything for myself since school started in september.

mixed up. but getting better. actually i just started listening to my ipod and started to feel better. maybe it's about time i get dressed and do something today.

"i love new jersey weather"

2006-04-05T10:45:00.000-04:00

says charlie, matt's roomate. so true so true. only a few days after 70 degree weather, it is now snowing outside. pft. unfortunately it's not sticking to the ground so i'll still have class. and work. ugh. i hate wednesdays.

so yeah. computer's still broken. we ordered a new hard drive yesterday. hopefully it'll be peachy and everything will work. i was doing pretty well without the computer...i didn't have any distractions to keep me from doing my schoolwork. but then i started finding other distractions such as television and just talking to people, so yeah.

i have an insightful type of post to make at some point. something i've been thinking about for a while. but i can't update about it now. i have class soon and my hair is still wet. oh well. adieu.

so tired

2006-03-29T18:58:00.000-05:00

this hasn't been a good week, but i've been pretty happy regardless. i've gotten a lot more work done than i expected to and i'm just generally in a happy mood.

however teebee is still broken, and when i came to get her checked out by OIT yesterday, a SMART message came up suggesting that i back up my files asap because my hard drive will fail soon. then, when trying to get into windows, my computer wouldn't even read my hard drive as it is. not good. but we ran a test of the hard drive, and it passed, so i don't know what is going on. we will be trying to re-install windows this weekend, and if it works, it works, and if not, then i'll have to buy a new hard drive. sigh. i hope it works.

i really don't have much more to say at this point. tomorrow is my favorite day of the week, friday i will be playing catch up with homework and revisions, and sometime this weekend matt and i are planning to go to the city to visit st. patrick's cathedral for a report.

oh and alex - yes i did receive your letter and wristband. thank you very much! even though i'm not quite sure why you sent me an atreyu poster since i don't listen to them anyway. either way, i thank you very much :) when you get a chance send me a postcard for my collection. oh and i'm very pleased that you like my blogger (as stated on one of your previous entires).

hopefully my computer will be up and running soon. even though i am getting more work done without the constant temptation to check myspace or facebook, i need my computer.

putting the pussy on a pedestal

2006-03-23T00:08:00.000-05:00

i'm listening to amanda try to convince one of her friends that she didn't have sex with some kid. it's getting very graphic, but funny at the same time. at least something is making me laugh.

man i'm so emo. i can't even take my cynicism. but i totally just fell apart today. i tried to write this paper for one of my classes. i don't know if it's because i got a B- on one of my other papers for this class, that made me go over the edge, or what, but i couldn't do it. out of 6 pages that i was supposed to have, i got only 2.5. i'm so discouraged by this last paper that i got back though. it was a good paper, and i felt on top of the world when i wrote it. i understand why i didn't get an A- or A on it, but it was still severely disappointing. and i'm mad at myself for not putting in the extra effort before to make it shine. i want to cry.

at least this week is over tomorrow. i love thursday nights. i really really do. i hate the week after break when you're confronted by the stupid banter of how your break was or what you did or whatnot. because you know....people care SO much about what you did or how it was. and then i have to tell them that spring break sucked. because it did. and then i seem all emo and shit, but i'm not trying to be. but the fact that i come off as emo makes me emo and it's a huge mess.

i wonder when i'll reach the end of the tunnel. i need to find my light.

and that's what tortures me

2006-03-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

it hasn't been a good start to the week.

last night i broke down. i couldn't explain to you why. it was a bunch of pent up little things that added into it. family life, school life, social life, and a longing for the past and the future at the same time. just not the present. i made it worse for myself, listening to the most emotional songs that i could think of or find on my party shuffle. i discovered jimi hendrix's catfish blues and i thought it was the perfect song. it had a gloomy undertone with the funniest lyrics.
anyway, matt came to pick me up for us to go grocery shopping and that's when it happened. i let loose and just cried and cried and cried. i felt weak but relieved at the same time. i just got it all out. matt took me to the kitty parking lot and i saw some kitties and they made me a little happier. then he took me to wendy's and fed me because i hadn't eaten the whole day.
the rest is history. i felt better, but still had a lingering feeling of sadness. i know that i said before that i'd have to hit rock bottom in order to bring myself up. for a moment there i thought i had actually hit rock bottom. i thought that i was making a comeback. but that faded quickly when i knew that i was not.

today i just did some homework and then we went out again to search for a midsummer night's dream on dvd. 4 stores later we found it. argh.

matt's trying this podcasting thing. i suppose on paper it really isn't a bad idea: a portable talk show that you could listen to at any time you desire. if this concept would have been brought out during my z100 zoo days i'm sure i'd love it. i always remember wanting to go back and listen to something again or whatever. but it seems like this podcast will be taking the place of a blogger. matt says he can get his thoughts out better when he talks them out. more power to you babe. i sure as hell can't. i can't even get my thoughts sorted out before they come out, let alone when they do. i need to write out my thoughts; i need to see them. i need to organize them and rationalize about them. i need a visual. verbal thoughts are so disorganized for me. and listening to matt's podcast, it almost seemed too real. it was his thoughts right there, the way he said them. holy shit. that freaked me out. it was so real, and i could never be that real. i have to mask myself behind words on paper.

i've decided that once i get the chance, i'm going to print out all my electronic journal entries and make a journal out of them. i've decided that i really don't like having it all out here on the internet. it's easy, and very convenient to just type it all out. but i need color to my thoughts, and i don't get that here. my layout is so bland and it pisses me off. i know that's a factor i can change, but i can't find a layout that i like anywhere else, and i don't have the time for making one myself. i wish i did though.
anyway, this doesn't mean that i'm not going to use blogger anymore. the electronic journaling world is a part of my life, and will remain so. i just need to do some rearranging.

right now i'm tired. it's only 12:20 but i'm exhausted. better that way i guess though. more sleep will hopefully mean a happier bern.

i see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's just taking me a while to get there.

i'm stuck in folsom prison

2006-03-20T18:02:00.000-05:00

i made an awesome journal entry for my creative nonfiction class last night. it was totally uncensored and raw me. if you really want to read it it's on my other blogger.
then i wrote my finished piece for this week. it was about an event that happened 4 years ago that i've been subconciously mad about since then. it felt good to write it out.

i don't think having this online journal is helping me much anymore. i want to go back to my old fashioned journal. ill still update here with various things, but real feelings i'm going to put in my journal. i was hoping to find some sort of community here but it doesn't much work.

don't worry...this isn't happening yet. and i'm not "shutting down" my site. that's stupid.

i'm not in a very good mood. and i don't know whether i should care anymore or not. part of me just doesn't want to.

you have chosen strength

2006-03-17T01:42:00.000-05:00

today in a nutshell:

-kyle came over, and we chilled and reminisced about the good times
-went to arby's for lunch
-kyle left and matt and i come back to my house and i get emo
-ask daddy about trip to wisconsin. he's cool with it if it doesn't interfere with anything else. perfectly understandable.
-ask mommy about trip to wisconsin. mom snaps and bitches. big cat fight. i give attitude. i feel bad. but then again, mommy has been being a bitch lately.
-go to matt's house. cry like a thunderstorm. felt really nice afterwards though. got a lot of stuff off my chest. step 1 of opening up my emotional bottle is complete.
-dave and elena come over and we go to old country buffet for dinner. i've never been there before. it's really cool and nice. good times with dave and elena. i miss them :(
-come back to matt's house. girly talk. then some my name is earl.
-take elena home.
-the office
-dave goes home after some halo.

now...ready for the big one????

-KINGDOM HEARTS
my new favorite
video game <3

tomorrow:
-wake up
-take religion tests
-read a little hopefully
-off to inez's for the night. some serious girl time is needed. no offense to boys. but i miss my girlies.

that is all.

blogger bonanza

2006-03-16T01:48:00.000-05:00

i'm in a writing sort of mood today. i feel like i have a lot of emotions that are not being expressed properly. and i don't know where else to turn. i don't want to burden others with my problems. there are two people in the whole wide world that i would think of to just let it all out and cry it all out, and one of them simply doesn't get it. i can't tell this person anything because their reaction is not the one you'd expect. i'll be honest. at this point i want sympathy and compassion. i want to be understood. i realize that 99% of my rambling is pure paranoia but the other 1% has to be somewhat valid. otherwise where the fuck would my thoughts come from?

am i capable of living life? i'm so tired all the time and i don't have the mental strength to carry on half the time i am actually awake. is there something wrong with me?

on a sidenote i hate how people discredit a perfectly good band just because they became "too mainstream". if you were in the same situation, you'd probably have taken the more mainstream route too if it meant that you could get more money. these are just regular people who strive for success in life, and one of the factors of success is prosperity. so why would you say a band sucks because they've become too mainstream? if they make good music, who the fuck cares?

i was reading over blogger entries before from a while ago. just going back and reading over them. i really can't emphasize enough how much soul and meaning my blogger entries lack as compared to my xanga entries. when i read over xanga entries, even if feelings and emotions were hidden behind words, i could decode it and still remember exactly what i was thinking or referring to when i wrote it. this blogger isn't that old, and i already can't remember what i wrote about only a few months ago. i'll read something over and not know what i meant by it. i think i need to update more, and without censoring my topics. if i piss you off about something, deal with it from now on. because you obviously piss me off in some way for me to dedicate an entry to you. feel special.

the winds are turbulent outside and i feel like that's my life right now. turbulent and mixed up. pieces of me are lying around in various locations and i scramble to get them together, while trying to live on what i have at the same time.

and the song hotel california cannot be fully appreciated unless it is played at an obnixiously high volume.

blame it on the weatherman

2006-03-15T20:20:00.000-05:00

i'm taking a stroll through my teenybopper days and listening to b*witched. this song popped into my head today when i was trying to think about why i'm so cranky lately and i'm sure it has something to do with all these sudden weather changes. i know people don't believe that weather can affect your moods but it really does if you take a minute to compare the weather with your moods.

i was going to do some reading tonight. and i probably will. i just get so attached to this machine all the time that it's really hard to break free. sometimes i wish i didn't have a computer because i know i'd get so much more done. life is so much better when i'm not occupied with myspace or facebook gossip, or trying to follow everyone's lives. sigh.

so while i babysat i went through about 3 newsweek magazines. i don't tend to like newsweek simply because their articles run for way too long and a lot of the stuff could be covered within a 3-4 page article rather than a 10 page one. nonetheless i still enjoyed reading a lot of the stuff that i did. i try to watch/keep up with world/national news as much as i possibly can usually, just so i won't feel so out of the loop in everyday life. however it's kind of hard to do so with not only a lack of time but a lack of previous knowledge on certain topics. when they talk about all these world issues and whatnot i get so lost within the terminology or ideology behind it all that it's pointless for me to keep up.
anyway i was going somewhere with this. now i hate to become mixed in with politics, mostly because i don't keep up enough to have what most people would call an educated opinion. but let's ignore that for a while to let me ramble. i read about how katrina refugees in houston are clogging up the city with violence and havoc when it comes to financial situations and everything. and i know we've been hearing this time and time again, but people just don't seem to get it: the aftermath of katrina is still far from over. they still need our help, and it doesn't much look like the administration is giving it to them. instead i read about heads of departments that are crucial to the rebuilding of the gulf coast region, resigning for "personal reasons" or some shit. people like that just seem to me that they can't take the burden of this whole rebuilding process and are afraid to take responsibilty for their actions should something wrong happen. as much as i hated the FEMA director michael brown, at least he had the guts to admit that he fucked up. people should stop worrying about doing something wrong because according to our society, nobody is perfect in their eyes and somebody will always be doing something wrong. the point here is to forget about the media that hypes it all up and just stand up to the plate and take responsibility.
i heard on the news how some college students are spending this spring break rebuilding the gulf coast region. man, that is so great and i just wish i was there with them. i'll really have to look into it in the long run.
speaking of the media i would just like to say that i'm really disgusted with it nowadays. everyone knows that i hate the bush administration as much as i possibly can. and i won't say that the whole cheney hunting ordeal didn't make me hate them more and also gave me a good laugh. but seriously...it's like a month after, and the media is still hounding after it like dogs. as funny and stupid as i think it was for cheney to shoot a guy, i have to go with this other side for a minute here and also say that it really WAS just an accident and that we should at this point cut the man some slack. it's enough already.

ok enough of that. as you can see i'm really not good at expressing my political views the right way, but i still have some and just decided to get them off my chest.

time for isketch.

just chillin'

2006-03-15T14:43:00.000-05:00

kind of tired but not at the same time. i'm always tired. should i talk to my doctor about that one? idk.

i'm babysitting right now...only the kids aren't home yet. oh well. more money=more spending in orlando!!

ok so now it's time for things i hate. ok so it's cool if you make a myspace bulletin post once (maybe even twice) about new pictures on your profile. and i guess it's ok to ask for feedback, because that's what you put them up there for. but to ask for *love* and *comments* every single fucking day, maybe even twice a day, for like 2 weeks after you put them up...no. if people wanted to comment, they would have done so already. like seriously, why would you do that? it's asking for attention making you look insecure. just stop. i don't need my bulletin posts clogged up with requests for comments. it's enough that they get clogged up with surveys and letters telling you that some six year old is going to come kill you at night if you don't forward the chain to a bazillion people.

still in a rotten sort of mood because of my lack of time to do stuff. why oh why is life so busy???

sickly =X

2006-03-13T23:02:00.000-05:00

and just for the record that is SO my smiley. i SO started using equal sign smileys first. =P

so i go babysit and along with the money i make i come home with the stomach flu! yaaaaaaay! didn't i develop immunities for this kind of shit? i guess not. oh well...it's only a 12 hour thing, and seeing as how i started to feel like shit about 12 hours ago i think i'm ok for right now. minus the being tired part.
i'm probably not going to be able to sleep in tomorrow either. the eighty-eig needs some serious looking at tomorrow and the only time i can drop it off is tomorrow morning with my father. morning with my father=asscrack of dawn. AWESOME!
i'll just probably come back here and hop back into bed though so i guess it's cool.

there's just still so much i intend to do while i'm home, and i seriously don't see where i'll get the time to do it. i hate making plans with people before breaks that go like "oh we'll definitely hang out over break!" or "call me and we'll get together!". no. we won't. i can guarantee it. maybe summer break, but not within a week.

i wish blogger had that "currently reading" or "currently listening to" thing that xanga has. mine would have something up there every freaking day. today it would be "currently reading: white teeth by zadie smith which is an awesomely funny and great book so you should go out and buy it and read it". just thought i'd throw that in there.

is there ever enough time in life to get everything done?

my head hurts

2006-03-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

i went to bed too late last night and didn't sleep my full nine hours. sigh. that's what i get for being a wuss. but all in all today was not a bad day. granted i spent a good portion of it packing to come home, but the whole being at home thing really isn't that bad. being home is good...in small doses.

i watched 50 first dates while i was packing. marky marc burned it for me, and i absolutely love that movie. thinking about it i want to watch it again. oh well.

i'm having cravings for an eggo waffle but i want to eat healthy while i'm home. that means no late night eating. i'm determined to accomplish my goal. my mom has heard of this new phenomenon where you fast for one day. she says you're supposed to do it once a month if not once a week. i don't know how that will work out, but i guess it wouldn't hurt to try it one day.

now i'm watching full house on nick at nite. they should get boy meets world on there. i <3 boy meets world. i want the dvd set.

i had more to say. as always. but i'm too tired. as always. so goodnight.

in a nostalgic type of mood

2006-03-10T03:12:00.000-05:00

first note: great china has saved mine and rhiannon's lives tonight because they were the only ones who delivered after 11 PM. thank you.

secondly. people are stupid. i know i've said this numerous times before, but people are stupid. don't go around with one persona and then give yourself a new one the next day. it doesn't work like that. decide what you're going to be, and if you're going to be you then don't be stupid about it either. kthx.

so i've been looking for scholarships and such lately, like i do almost every year at this time. i'm always so motivated to get them done and actually apply but i never actually do. there's different reasons for this. first off why, out of the million people that apply would they ever pick me? i can't see myself getting anything, which i guess isn't a good way to start off applying for scholarships in the first place. but nothing i ever do is so spectacular that it would get noticed within other applications. and i feel like if i use my time and apply for these things and not even get accepted for one, that it was a waste of time. secondly, why can't they have scholarships for just normal people? you always have to have like three arms and a need for financial aid or something and do crazy amounts of extra-curriculars. i can't overexert myself; can't they understand that? why can't they just give out scholarships to normal people like me? somebody who isn't poor or dead broke, but needs the aid anyway?

ugh. i just don't know. i'm in a weird mood but it's late so i'm not surprised. time for bed.

what a wonderful caricature of intimacy

2006-03-08T23:16:00.000-05:00

what a week so far. and for me it's pretty much 3/4 of the way done because i don't have classes on fridays.

anyway firstly, before we proceed i have something of utter importance to point out. whoever finds it fun and cool to set off fireworks inside a closed building, at 3 AM none the less, is a complete moron and has less intellect than a mentally retarded person. and i mean this in the most non-offensive tone posssible. it's one thing to be stupid and set off fireworks from your window, seeing as how nobody can tell where it will land and somebody could get seriously hurt, but to set off fireworks inside a building hallway? what the fuck is the matter with you? you honestly deserve to burn and rot in hell. i hope whoever did it gets caught and prosecuted to the fullest charges. because this is simply ridiculous. it's enough that we had to have a fire alarm go off because some stupid moron decided to set off a smoke bomb in a hallway, because i didn't think you could get any stupider than that. but i was proved wrong last night. like i don't get it at all...why would you do anything to cause harm where you live? not only does it look and smell like pure shit in your hallway now, but 700 students had to stand outside for an hour at 3 AM. why would you do it?

i'll stop there about that. just...people are so fucking stupid.

oh and secondly, i don't know if people think they're cool when they steal stuff that isn't theirs, but um it's not. i'll leave that statement there because if i go any further i could get in trouble.

anyway, other than people being stupid, moronic, and lacking much needed brain, everything is ok. light workload this week which is good. i'm still really tired, probably because it's wednesday and i hate wednesdays to begin with.

i actually had more to say, but i realized how tired i really was. and that rant about people's stupidity tired me out. yeah. don't be stupid.

snow day!

2006-03-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

so you know what i hate?

i hate having snow on the ground and still having school. take it up the ass montclair. you can suck my non-existent penis.

i hate how when i say something, people come back saying something else, as if they've lived life three times already, and know life inside out. who the fuck do you think you are? so you've made a discovery of how to live your life, and it's worked for you. GREAT. don't make it seem like you're so much more knowledgeable than me, that you can try to tell me what works and what doesn't. i don't need to hear it. i hate people who are just so pretentious and think they know everything. newsflash: you don't.

i know that i said i was going to try and make things better...and give me a break, because i did solve a problem with someone who was pissing me off....a lot. so i'm taking a step at a time, and it's all good.

now i have to go take this stupid film test. ARGHAFADFDFKDFHADSFDASFKL MONTCLAIR!!!!!

hershey kisses with almonds

2006-03-01T23:56:00.000-05:00

i can never find anything creative to put in the title, so i put random shit in. usually lyrics from a song, but i don't have a song stuck in my head right now so i had to go with the first thing i saw, which were hershey kisses with almonds on my desk.

so update.

letterman on monday was awesome. got to see the david himself, and we visited hello deli. got to see how the show really goes, and it semmed a lot more lax than i thought. it just seemed sort of...normal people stuff, and not famous people stuff. so weird how celebrities really are normal people. now i'm totally into the whole thing, and letterman is above leno. i'll have to put pictures up soon.

the weekend was good. got elyse and rhiannon to meet. it is very possible the three of us will be rooming next year in the village or elsewhere. we went to barnes and noble...THE best barnes and noble ever of all time. rhiannon and i decided we will be going back often. then we saw date movie, which was funny. all in all a really good night, and i'm happy i finally found good friends at school to consider really good friends and not just people i know or talk to.
friday inez came over for a long overdue reunion. it was a good time, and things seem to be falling into the place i wanted them to for the longest time. but i can't really complain about the past because i used to do the same things.

anyway, i've been doing a lot of thinking, and i've realized that i am a complete and utter bitch a lot of the time by prejudging people and holding grudges against them. well actually i didn't realize this. i'm not going to be that person who believes they've had a revelation all of a sudden about their personality because i know that i've talked about this before, and that i've realized it before, and that i know it. anyway, it seems to be creating a lot of tension within my life. not life threatening or so bad up to the point where my life starts going downhill and can't stop. but it's the type of tension where it just drains energy out of me and everyday i feel weaker and more tired. i feel like if i didn't try so hard to piss people off, or to get all worked up about petty things people have done to me, that really don't matter. i make such a big deal about all this stuff and spread gossip and make myself and others hate the people i don't like, and for what? absolutely nothing. so i'm going to try and make a slight change in my attitude towards others, and not be so worked up about everything all the time. i think a little change could make a big difference.

anyway that's enough rambling about that. i really wish i could find the time everday to describe the day's happenings and events so that i could go more in depth about it to create memories to look back on later. i was just thinking the other day how my journal entries have gotten censored over the years because i've gone from writing in a personal diary that was kept just to myself to writing online for the whole world to see. the journals i kept before were full of soul and feeling, rather than just trying to put on a show for everybody. i'll have to find time for something like that again.

hoping for snow tomorrow to cancel all my classes. hope with me.

sleeping with the enemy seems to get the best of me

2006-02-23T23:45:00.000-05:00

wow. holy crap. my god. i'm in such a fucking good mood. no doubt.
amazing amazing week.

show on tuesday. man oh man. if you'd like to read a full despcription of it go to elyse's blog because she describes it excellently. no photos unfortunately bc i'm a pussy and won't risk sneaking my camera into shows, and cell phone pics can only get you so much. but that will all change with bamboozle and other shows. i can't stand not taking pictures.

good week at school. got a lot of feedback from professors about my papers and how to make them better. hopefully i can pull it all together at some point.

then last night after normal review i realized i still had leftover CPK from dinner with matt's mom last friday. totally made my night after a really disappointing dinner at freeman. i nearly shat my pants from excitement.

today. dino nuggets for lunch at freeman. dino nuggets are what i live for, no kidding. while i'm at lunch i get a phonecall from a weird new york number (i knew it was new york because it was a 212 area code. yeah i'm that good) next monday, matthew and i will be going to THE MOTHER FUCKING LATE SHOW WITH DAVE LETTERMAN. GUESTS ARE BRUCE WILLIS AND THE STROKES PERFORM. holy shit. can you believe that?!?!?!? because i can't.

tomorrow is lunch with pops, and then hanging with my one and only love INEZ. i'm so fucking happy i can't even explain it. oh lord.

totally awesome week. totally makes up for all the bullshit at the beginning of the year. 2006 is awesome.

baby is this love for real?

2006-02-22T16:22:00.000-05:00

holy shit.
amazing show last night. one of the best if not the best i've been to.
crazy fun.
minus the emo rapper. idk wtf that was about.
WE ARE THE FURY. MORNINGWOOD. HEAD AUTOMATICA.
and i got the lead singer of we are the fury to sign the poster i stole. sweet. when he becomes famous all you bitches will be jealous.

life's pretty good right now. if i had the time i'd elaborate more. but i don't, so i'll leave you at that. maybe later i'll be able to write in full sentences and thoughts.

memory loves me

2006-02-18T02:44:00.000-05:00

i love when i get a whole public restroom all to myself when i have to take a dump. personally i don't think there should be a problem with taking a dump in college community bathrooms. we all gotta do it, and that's the only place to do it on campus. so if you gotta take a dump, just go ahead and do so. never the less it's nice to know that when i have the bathroom to myself i can make all the bodily noises and gestures that i need to, in private, without having to worry what the bitch in the next stall is thinking.

my laptop is broken.
valentine's day was awesome :)
fell way behind with work this week.
sci fi paper to get done this weekend.
campus wide blackout tonight.
wwe tomorrow night.

my week in a nutshell.

goodnight :)

2006-02-10T00:40:00.000-05:00

i don't really care much for queen's version of "we are the champions" but i have to say that i really like the rendition robbie williams did with the other members of queen. it sounds a lot edgier and i get into it more. why i'm telling you this is because i put itunes on party shuffle and that song popped up. so i'm listening to it now.

so i was reading my creative nonfiction professor's mini bio on a website today. because that's what i do...i stalk my professors online. no really...i think it's important to know where your professors are coming from and know about their history so that you can have a better idea of how to perform in class. and she said that she always wrote a journal since she was little and how it helped her discover herself. i can kind of relate to that. looking back at my journal i can definitely define myself better than i could, say 3 years ago. but i feel like i never get exactly what i want to say out. i can try as hard as i can, but i can't do it. i can get more things out when i write them down, and that's definitely a given. but very rarely can i convey what i'm feeling into writing. and that's bad. i'm going to have to start writing more. too bad it's so hard when i'm so overwhelmed already.

i'd keep going, but i have to stop. i'm tired and i feel sick. it's time for bed.

we'll run away together

2006-02-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

so tired. crazy bad night last night. i don't know why i even bother, but i suppose that's who i am. or is it really? you know that commercial where the anti-smokers are going around new york city telling people what good things they've done? that's so me. i'm disgusting.

but things aren't as bad as i make them to seem. i'm ok. i only make things wrong because i feel like there should be something wrong. isn't that so fucked up? i wonder if anyone else besides me can understand what i'm saying. just know that if i think something is wrong, and there obviously isn't anything wrong, i probably know that too....i just make it wrong anyway.

anyway...i'm getting back into the whole gist of being good at things again. i'm fixing my mistakes and hopefully learning from them. and this isn't just in life, but at classes too. i love all my classes. i just wish i wasn't so tired. i would enjoy them a lot more. i don't even know what the hell i'm living on anymore.

but...now it's time to finish this paper i've been working on so i can just hand it in and go to sleep. off to english land!

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations....

2006-02-03T00:56:00.000-05:00

man i'm in a good mood today. things are slowly but surely getting better for me, and that's good. enough with this depressing shit.

everyday i try to discover something new about myself. i want to know who i am before i die. and i know this is random, but it's important so i'm mentioning it.

anyway, i'm slowly coming to terms with some things in my life that i didn't admit to myself before, or that i just simply didn't notice. step 2 would be taking action to take care of these things. hopefully it'll all work out eventually.

i'm starting to get back in the groove of things at school too. it was kind of hard before because after last semester i was left totally disheartened and was convinced that i couldn't do anything right anymore. but that's not the case.

actually. let me stop this update here. it's not turning out the way i want it to....oh well. just know i'm happy.

i see you in midnight blue

2006-02-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

i should be reading, or doing homework or something. but i'm being a rebel and not doing those things.

i'm doing so bad at this updating thing. and it kinda sucks because for my creative nonfiction class i'm supposed to write for 10 minutes straight and just not think about what i write. unfortunately, if i were to hand in one of these journal entries, they'd have to have a little more substance like they used to. i might get there eventually.

speaking of creative nonfiction, that's so far my favorite class of the semester. the teacher was a bit intimidating at first, but now i love her. she scared me at first because as far as i know she's bffs with liebler (shakespeare teacher from last semester) but she's pretty cool. unlike liebler she gives back constructive criticism...not "you suck at life, go kill yourself" criticism.

the semester got off to a rocky start. i made a few private posts, although i'm sure if you're smart, you'd be able to find them. i was censoring myself and that just wasn't cool. i'm slowly getting back on track with things. i'm not afraid of change, but it takes me a while to get used to. i'm trying not to let it get a hold of me, so i just try to distract myself with schoolwork and whatnot. so far it seems to be working. usually there's one point during the week where i'll freak out about something small, but it's progress from being in total freak out mode 24/7. i rely on the weekends to keep me sane, and it usually works. i just wish i didn't have so much work to do so i wouldn't have to keep the constant notion of having to do it on my shoulders.

going home this weekend for the first time since school began. i really don't want to, but i suppose it's finally time. plus there's some family obligations that i must fulfill. next weekend is the weekend before valentine's day so i'm sure we'll have something good in store for then.

speaking of valentine's day, i should make reservations at cpk.

other than that, i really have nothing to say. my week is always full, and i rarely find a minute to myself where i can just let go like this. thursday nights are my favorite because i can look forward to a 3 day weekend, so i usually kick back and relax then.

i got a job. that's some new news. yeah i tutor for elementary school kids. first session is next week. we'll see how it goes.

tomorrow is one of my fullest days, so i really should get to bed. i'm just really not tired. i wish roomie #1 wasn't here so i could just stay up and watch tv. maybe i'll get it on before she goes to bed, and just watch until midnight. at least i have a 2 hour break between my first class and the rest of them.

i'll try to update more. and have more substance. blah.

2006-02-01T17:48:00.000-05:00

something i just realized and that came to mind.

i hate when people say "ex-scape" instead of "escape".

there is no need for an extra letter in the word.

Happy Furry Friday!

2006-01-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Furry Friday!
Originally uploaded by Buntekuh.

Awww Kittie

second week of school

2006-01-27T11:09:00.000-05:00

man how exhausting. i kind of like this schedule so far, where i have the majority of my classes put in to 2 days, and then 2 classes on wednesday. i have all of tuesday to do work or relax, and almost all of wednesday. unfortunately, i will probably almost always have to use all that free time for homework because i'm over my head with it. but i feel a lot better about all the classes thus far, and really like them.

lunch date with daddy today, even though for me it'll be more like breakfast. whatever.

then this weekend is photography weekend, but the destination has yet to be decided. nj transit is letting MSU students ride free all next week, starting on the 30th, but amanda said that she already rode free this week. if we decide to take a chance with nj transit this week, photography weekend will take place in new york city, and if not, we know some awesome scenic pictures we can take around here. i wish i knew if my manual camera was working because i'd much rather take pictures with that.

speaking of manual cameras, i decided that i really want a new digital manual camera, like a canon or nikon. they're so very expensive, but i honestly love photography that much. maybe one day i'll start saving up for it or something, but unfortunately for right now i have to deal with what i have.

i've been really lame with updating. i'll try harder.

first week of school

2006-01-24T13:53:00.000-05:00

it has not been too bad, but i don't hold any high expectations. the less you expect, the less disappointed you'll be if it doesn't turn out well. and if it does, then it's merrier.

kind of tired...already. all my classes have major reading so i have to stay focused. i signed up for another class yesterday, giving me 18 credits, but 5 back to back to back classes on monday. we'll see how it goes. one day at a time.

today if i read a lot, i'll get the whole night to myself to do whatever. good stuff. might as well hop on that.

uh oh here we go. turn up the radio.

2006-01-17T16:34:00.000-05:00

today was a relatively better day than yesterday. i'm back at montclair. and i'm feeling semi-okay.

yesterday was a turd day. the reason i say it was a turd day is because i acted like a turd the whole day. but turd day ended once i hung out with katie. it's good to have her back next door. she's that friend who always agrees with me.

today there was no hot water in my shower, meaning i took two back to back cold showers the past two days. the heat was also broken, and for some reason, maintence found it necessary to take them back for break. but it was ok, because i went to breakfast/lunch, and had a traditional freeman breakfast at lunch. rice krispies with chocolate milk, tea, and some waffle. mmmm. then i got my space heater back, and was informed by desk assistant sue that our hot water has been restored. what a 180.

i went to go apply for jobs. i had to sacrifice my days off. we'll see what happens though. i'm not feeling too career-like right now.

first day of classes tomorrow. and i only have one. what sweetness in a pie.

walking in a winter wonderland

2006-01-15T00:56:00.000-05:00

post from last year circa about this time:

as of right now, it is january 14th, 2005. january, 14th. it is also 63 degrees outside.

as i walked to the garage door of the house on newcomb dr, i did what i would do on any normal january day...i braced myself for the cold. the garage door opens, i feel a heat wave across my face. i walk outside and for a second lose all conciousness of time. it is the middle of january, and it feels like a cool june night after the rain has just fallen. you can smell the moisture in the air, and feel it penetrate through you.

as we get into the car, matt does the unthinkable. the sunroof goes open, along with the windows. it is january 14th, and the windows and sunroof of the accord are open. i don't whine to turn on the heat, in fact the air from outside is warmer than that of the car. i hear the cracking of the tires driving on top of the wet pavement. it's one of those awesome sounds you can't really explain, but yet it still makes you happy.

this is very extremely wierd. and then it hits me. the sme time frame of the summer hits me. i feel like this is an insight into the next few months. the air feels nice and everything is at peace. however the occassional turbulence of the wind sometimes catches me off guard, and i become slightly scared. i have no idea what is about to happen next. it's january 14th, and it's 63 degrees outside with warm air hitting my face. for all i know a tree could hit the car next and that would be that.

hmm i don't really know where i'm going with this entry. as i said, i've reached the same mood i was in during the summer. and back then i took everything as an omen and analyzed it articulately.

maybe it's just 63 degrees on a january 14th and means nothing.

or maybe it does.

if i still took everything as an omen, tonight's weather would not be a bright look towards the future. first it rained which was ok. it was really windy, and i like wind as long as it doesn't destroy anything. then it turned to ice, and progressed to snow. snow i like, and for the first time this year i felt okay. i felt all cozy in the car driving on a vacant rt 22 back home. have i ever mentioned how much i like to drive in the snow? the roads are so vacant, and it's the only time where you absolutely have to drive slow. but driving slow gives you a chance to look around at the world, and appreciate it. and it's extra special when you drive slow in the snow because it's an entirely different world you're looking at. anyway, the weather couldn't have been more perfect. once back home we turned on the fireplace and it honestly truly felt like winter, and i felt super duper okay.

but then i walked outside and was disgusted with what i saw. the snow had stopped falling, and what was left on the ground was snow with blotches of ice all around. it looked diseased. like a disease that leaves your skin spotted in various places. yuck. i didn't feel comfortable and i didn't feel ok. i felt like the world was going to end.

i feel like i've been bottling up my emotions and just now i've decided to let them all out. and that's bad when i do that because it all comes out very fiercly and harshly. some may say that i'm far from bottling my emotions but that's not true. sometimes when i try to explain my emotions i try to code them somehow so it won't sound as bad. but the truth never really gets out and here i am left feeling unaccomplished.

maybe i need to get in a more pensive and analytical mood like last year.

too tired to go on. goodnight

feeling considerably better

2006-01-13T00:01:00.000-05:00

don't really know why, but i'm thankful that i'm not wallowing in self-pity anymore.

i even started to fill out my FAFSA form, and applied for a scholarship. wow. go me.

so winter break is coming to an end....let's see what i've accomplished

1) organizing my room negative.
2) working on my scrapbook. semi negative. got a few pages done, but not nearly as much as i would have liked
3) got my act together negative. hmm yeah.
4) gone to the city. check.
5) hung out with montclair friends. negative
6) excersised my new theory on doing a little at a time to get the job done. semi check. worked until i did so little that i did nothing.

TOTAL: 2 out of 6 (if we count the semi's as halves) 33%. sweet.
it's ok. i'm not too disappointed.

lot of drama going on. i like to sit back on my comfy chair and get entertained...oh drama.

i'm listening to marilyn manson. and enjoying it. anyone else a little freaked out about this?

partly because i'm bored, partly because i can and won't be able to later, and partly to find myself somewhere among my answers

2006-01-12T23:05:00.000-05:00

You Are 20 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

so out of whack

2006-01-12T11:47:00.000-05:00

i don't really know what to do with myself right now. i've lost all enthusiasm for anything, and i just don't feel like doing anything. i don't feel like going out, but i don't feel like staying in either. i'm usually too lazy to get dressed so i stay in my jammies or sweats the whole day. how pathetic.

it feels that whatever there is to be done, i've done 100 times before, and there's just no point to doing them again.

man life blows right now. well sortof.

2006-01-04T11:55:00.000-05:00

i found this on my xanga right before new year's last year. (meaning right before 2005). the other part of the entry was showing the list preceding that year (meaning right before 2004) and seeing what i got. let's see how it goes...

a CAR. Now I’m really done waiting. I need a car. hahaha FINALLY GOT IT!!! after 2 years of waiting.

To get OUT of Monmouth check. left that place.

To go somewhere where I’m happy meh. i'm out of monmouth. i'm happier when it comes to friends. i suppose we'll check that one off?

To have a job hmmm yeah no...

To go to new Orleans, and all those other cool places we have in plan YES! we did go to new orleans and florida

To earn the trust of my parents i think i had this way before i realized it. but sure...check it off

To do more spontaneous things i'm not too sure what i meant by this one, so i can't really say

To either lose weight so I can fit back into my jeans, or at least tone it so I can get nice pairs of new ones. i definiately toned down. numbers don't matter to me, and my belly won't either until we're away from sweatshirt weather.

To go to another concert…2004 was awesome with concerts. HELL YEA...got collective soul, bamboozle, weezer, and coheed...awesome awesome year in concerts

To not be so selfish maybe i sort of toned that one down a little bit. hmmm i don't really know. i'm still pretty selfish

To figure out the future so I can start working on it. yeah this one might take me longer than i anticipated

If I do get into Montclair, I would like the process to be easy and painless it was pretty easy and painless excpet for the week that i was unsure of housing, which is what i'm sure i meant by this since i knew it would be a problem. but i had it a lot easier than a lot of people.

In relation to the resolution above, to not procrastinate, it seems to have messed up a lot of things this past year. i've gotten better at it, but there's still a lot of room for perfection

To be happy, even though odd numbered years are usually not my best. well it's an even numbered year this year. i try to be happy.

so i suppose those are somewhat like new year's resolutions....2006....

to get my school groove back. that bitch liebler definitely ruined it.
to have katie t as my roomate next year
to be in a happy mood no matter what it takes
procrastination still needs some work
finally finish my friends scrapbook so my room can be more organized. it's the only thing that keeps this room so messy.
work on my writing so i won't be doing "B" writing anymore but straight out "A"
get a job i guess
not be such a bitch to everyone around me
go somewhere awesome on vacation this year again. but plan it out better.
not half-ass everything i do
in regards to above...to finish what i start.

um i guess that's enough. here's to 2006

mehhhh

2006-01-04T11:38:00.000-05:00

so i've been spending my new year so far sick in bed watching movies. today is the longest since tuesday night that i have spent out of my bed.

i'm in one of those moods. i don't know if it's because i'm tired and sick and can't think straight, but i'm just in one of those moods where i'm mad at the whole world and can't explain why. i can try to make excuses as to why, and some of them seem valid but not all. i just need one of those days where everything all of a sudden becomes clear and you become happy again. but for now i guess i'll have to wait my turn. and until i decide to just sit here patiently and wait for it, it won't happen either.

i don't want to be at home anymore, but i don't want to go anywhere either. tomorrow we leave for north carolina and i'm just simply unphased by the whole thing. i don't want to go back to school. i don't want to do school work. i have no motivation or determination right now.

sigh.

merry 2006!

2006-01-02T01:28:00.002-05:00

from what i've been hearing everyone had a good new year so i suppose that's a forshadowing of 2006 being a good year. i hope so, because the even numbered years are always the best for me.

my new year was kind of chill and lax. my boy toy came back from new orleans and we just had fun watching movies, and playing xbox for the night. sounds boring but i actually liked it. i like mellow stuff like that and i hadn't spent new year's at my house with the family in a while. all in all it worked out perfectly. one new year's though, it's my mission to go to times square and brave it all. i think it's something someone should do at least once in their lifetime, especially if they live in the area.

as each day goes on, i find i'm fulfilling my goal of one day finding myself altogether. i'll probably never reach it to perfection, but each day i can confidently say more about myself than i could the day before. and that to me is good enough.

i don't have any new year's resolutions this year. i don't think i ever do. i think they're kind of stupid honestly. i guess maybe doing better in school this semester can be a new year's resolution, but that to me is a resolution i make to myself every day. if i'm going to make a resolution, i'd rather make it a meaningful one.

so this new "friend detail" thing on facebook is...fun. i just wait for people to hit me with the details though, because if i were to do it, i'd write a novel about it. even the simplest ones. so umyeah, i'll let you do the detailing to keep it short.

ok i'm talking out of my ass at this point. time for bed.

random update.

2005-12-28T18:28:00.000-05:00

so today was a semi-better day except that i had to wake up early to go out with my mom. i hate having to be on my parent's schedule while i'm home. it so doesn't match up with mine and there's never really much of a compromise, especially with my dad. oh well.

i finally got my fuzzy slippers though!!! and now my feet are warm and not cold. thank god. i hate having cold feet.

so my room has kind of stayed a mess since last night. oh well. i figure that after i scrapbook a bit tonight i'll clean it up some more.

so my car was starting to act up again today (go figure...what else is new) but apparently now this is my fault and my driving that has done this. i don't like when i say the car was shaking. i didn't phsycially get out and make it shake either. parents. grrr they make me so angry.

i'm not really sure what to do with myself. oh the life.

meh

2005-12-28T00:56:00.000-05:00

don't really know what to update about today. it was a meh sort of day. btw if you don't know what meh means, you're retarded and i'm not going to explain it to you.

i hate to be the jealous type, but it just comes to naturally to me. it's so easy to pick a fight over something i know i shouldn't pick a fight about. and then once i pick the fight i immediately regret it bc despite my two minutes of feeling powerful, i start to feel needy and like i've let my image down.

no one except me and the person involved understands what i'm saying here, but i guess that's the way it's meant to be.

sometimes i wish i wasn't so much like me.

<- i miss him. shut up and deal with my cheese. i am hurting inside.

sigh. here's to a better day tomorrow.

in a much better mood tonight

2005-12-27T02:03:00.000-05:00

and it's already 2 AM. haha oh well.

today was spent scrapbooking and sorting out all my scrapbook stuff, and scrapbooking some more, and then lack of scrapbooking bc i ran out of ideas and materials. although if one were to take a loot at all the materials i have, they would say i'm far from lacking them, however, you need certain materials for certain occasions and the one i was trying to scrapbook today needed different materials than i had.

but my room was a mess and it was horrid. i'm trying to keep it clean so once i decided i was done for the night i cleaned it back up. but the whole scrapbooking thing has now ruined whatever chances i had of making this an organized room. meh. i need to make a shopping list of stuff to buy to keep it organized. only then when i go to the store, i never buy it bc i'm like 'well do i really need it?' the answer this time is yes.

so i've come to the conclusion that i really dislike carson daly. he cannot do a late-night talk show. he just doesn't fit the part. and now he's trying to become the new dick clark and host his own new year's party in times square. i'm sorry but i really would not like to party it up with carson. he's cute and all, but he just lacks that personality he's trying to project.

it's late. and i want to start reading one of the 20 books i got for christmas from jeff so i will do that. goodnight.

bells will be ringing...the sad sad news

2005-12-26T01:31:00.000-05:00

merry christmas...

or was it??

well no it was. but now it's late at night and i start thinking out of my ass and i get depressed. but in all honesty this wasn't the jolliest christmas either. i hate how when i got to college that whole christmas season spirit sort of just vanished. i tried to reinstate it with a cute little tree and some decorations, but it wasn't the same. i stay cooped up in my room, slaving over homework anyway, and i miss out on all the christmas jolliness. i hate it. that's probably why i was so upset this christmas season and depressed...bc the christmas spirit never really reached me.

i did have a good christmas though....just ranting

now new year's is around the bend, and that's something i hate. i absolutely hate new years. it's was too sentimental for me. i can't stand to hear that song that's always played, and i just can't stand it. it makes me so freaking depressed for a few days and blah.

i'm just depressed. didn't know what else to write or who else to talk to. deal with it.

christmas blues

2005-12-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

i'm in a really depressed mood for some reason. for the past two nights i've just wanted to sit down and cry for no real reason at all. i just feel like crying.

my boyfriend's in new orleans for christmas, and that makes me a little sad, knowing that i won't be seeing him for christmas. before he left i thought to myself that i'd enjoy my time off and do my own thing for a while, but you never really realize how much this stuff gets you down. it's kind of sad. i really miss him right now, and i know this is cheesy but it's what i'm feeling and i feel like i have no one to tell bc i don't want to bother people with it, and just blah.

i was going to start my room cleanout today. piece by piece i decided, and not everything all at once. that's my new theory...piece by piece. but i was kidnapped by miss schumann to go to the pnc holiday light spectacular. i don't know...i feel like i should have maybe stayed home instead. not that it wasn't a good time but i'm in such a mood.

i hope my mood changes before tomorrow. i need some christmas spirit.

ok time for a fun post

2005-12-21T00:16:00.000-05:00

because that last one was a little too depressing and i started listening to ELO, and they made me happy. ELO is such a great band, and i'm so glad that i love their music. i don't know how to explain that statement but whatever.

i don't think i mentioned this before, but i got my ears re-pierced this weekend. i had them pierced when i was little, but they got infected, so i took them out and they closed up. but now they are back, and i love my earrings. they're so pretty and girly, and yay!

i love my boyfriend. too cheesy, but i'm in a happy mood so i'll express my affection.

home tomorrow. mmm ok. random.

we're the therapists pumping through your speakers

2005-12-20T23:30:00.000-05:00

ok so now it's time for my end of semester rant. i only just got the idea for it now, because i really think i deserve one. this has been one of the hellish semesters of my life, but it's opened a lot of doors and realities for me.

i feel like i somewhat let myself down this semester. i know my classes were tough, but i had tough classes last semester too and i still stepped up to them. i feel like i should have put my 110% into it rather than just 98%. by the end i was only giving in 80%, but that's because i was so worn out by the whole thing, that i had no more energy to give more. it's kind of sad though. i really feel like i let myself down this semester and allowed myself to become victim to really mean and depressing people.

next semester i'll have to step it up. i already know what works, and what doesn't work. my goals for next semester are as follows :

1. ) type up/rewrite my notes right after my classes. it will help me retain more information. i know because i've tried this technique before and it works wonders. really.
2. ) get better time management. rather than trying to do all my assignments all at once, i will try to break them up. i find that if i don't spend all my time on one subject it helps me concentrate more.
3. ) don't procrastinate. i'll get things done as soon as i can as to avoid freaking out about them later.
4.) go over all my stuff at the very beginning of the semester. that's when i'll have time, so i should use it.

that's it for now i guess. two finals and a paper are keeping me from winter break. i should have had the paper done a while ago, but oh well. i guess that's another thing to regret for the semester.

time to finish studying.

Centrist

2005-12-19T23:29:00.000-05:00

You are a
Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(33% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Centrist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

it's christmas time in the city....

2005-12-18T00:54:00.000-05:00

and so it was...for the past two nights. went to NYC with mommy yesterday. we went to the metropolitan. awesome awesome awesome. i am so in love with that place and i wish i could live there. i love how day by day i start discovering more and more who i am with experiences like the met. i concluded that i am a very artistic person, but i couldn't make it as an artist, so i chose the next best art which is writing. funny how you realize things like that.

anyway...we walked along 5th ave towards rockefeller, admiring all the display windows, and christmas-y decorations. they made me so incredibly happy; i was walking down the street with such a sense of euphoria, and i just couldn't get the smile off my face. and what was best was that i experienced it with mommy because she's the best to do this stuff with. seriously. she admires everything i do, and it's just so nice to have mommy daughter days.

so we saw the tree, saw the window displays. i'll have the pictures up one day, i promise.

then today, back to the city with matt to go to the ukraine museum (for a paper) which was very educational and inspiring as well. i love getting culturally enhanced. then...it was off to the sex museum which was....sexy. too expensive for what it was, but hey...sex costs money so what are ya gonna do? i really enjoyed though. then off to the tree, stopping at various places such as the macy's window display and mcdonalds which really sucked unfortunately (mcdonalds that is). got to the tree...took pictures...found the nintendo store and it made our night, except that they had no yoshi stuffed animals for me. boo. then we slowly made our way back, and now i'm here.

all in all a good weekend, and way to celebrate the end of this awful semester.

but now i'm back in my room and a little ticked. there's sticky stuff on my desk which definitely wasn't there before, and i mean...it's just gross. half of my energy drinks have gone missing, which okay, i said to help yourself, but um, it would be nice to ask seeing as how i paid for them, and seeing as how there are less than half of what i started out with.
then there's the constant people that just make me angry and tick me off. seriously. people are just so freaking retarded sometimes that it really really ticks me off. i especially hate people who have to act hard to impress others. like i do that too, but i don't make it so god damn obvious. i hate people who are posers. i hate people who um...do stuff for stupid reasons. too bad i have to censor this shit. i'd love to just go crazy. maybe in a protected post.

i'm too tired to keep going and trying to make this sound good. so i'll end it abruptly and say goodnight!

MSU

2005-12-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

I scored a 64% on the "How Montclair State are You?" Quizie! What about you?

let the rain fall down everywhere around you

2005-12-13T00:13:00.000-05:00

CONFESSIONS : I listen to Enya, and love her. She brings my spirits up and makes me feel calm and relaxed. I can just let go of life when I listen to her songs. Props up to New Age music.

finished the "rough" draft of my paper. it's 10 pages of complete bullshit that i pulled out of my ass. but who knows? maybe it does make sense in some crazy fucked up way. i'm just afraid that i missed many points, and didn't illustrate my topic clearly. but at this point i don't care. i just want it away from me. i decided not to sweat over this class for several reasons.

a) i don't really care for shakespeare. he didn't write in english i could understand, and i really don't care to decode it.
b) this was a hard class. aside from the main point of discussion being shakespeare, the teacher was really really tough on you.

it was probably that one class in college that i'll remember forever. eventually i'll get over it, but right now i just have to realize that i'm not a bad writer, i do have passion, and that i cannot let anyone bring me down.

i've been thinking a lot about the whole concept of finding yourself. i've had a lot of trouble finding out who i really am. but i've also come to see that as the days go by, the answer gets clearer and clearer, and i slowly discover myself. sometimes i wonder though, if there are any people who go through their whole life not knowing who they are? that every single time they look in the mirror they see a stranger. i hope i'm not one of those people.

anyway, to wrap it up, today was a bad day, but i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. even though it's not far away, it's quite faint, but i know i'll make it there somehow.

one of the worst days ever

2005-12-12T19:51:00.000-05:00

- my shakespeare professor managed to make me feel useless once again, totally cancelling out our entire closure the other day
- katie was not here
- fire alarm in the cold (at least it wasn't night)
- felt really sickly
- my boyfriend shaved his beard off which i guess i can't really hold against him, but i just really really like his beard and i miss it.
- i forgot to give in my check for next semester's tuition
- i still have this god awful paper to write, and i need to get a rough draft done by the end of tonight

if i make it to thursday, it will be a miracle.
right now. i just want to sit down, and cry for a long long time.

still so young...desperate for attention

2005-12-10T22:44:00.000-05:00

i'm rockin' out to panic! at the disco. only minus of this, is that i'm rocking out to the two songs they have on their myspace profile because i'm babysitting and do not have my computer present with me.

so the end of this week quickly picked up to an excellent pace. i finally got some closure with my shakespeare teacher/advisor, and i now have decided to give her a second chance. turns out that it wasn't me making all the mistakes this semester, and that i actually don't suck at life. it's a long story that i don't feel like typing up, but it was a misunderstanding of what i was capable of doing with the knowledge i had acquired so far. apparently her class was not something i should have been capable of without taking this other class. whatever. it's all good now, and i'm hoping she'll cut me some slack on this upcoming paper that i'm sweating over.

anyway, i was so relieved with the whole thing, that i celebrated like whoa on thursday night, and i was mega mega happy. what made me even happier was knowing that we were going to have a snow day on friday. snow day = no classes!!! word.

i'd go into details about how things have been going from there, but i just don't feel like displaying it publicly. if you're smart, you'll know where to find them. or will you?

i just have to find enough energy to keep going until thursday, and from there on, i'm home free.

blah blah blah blah

2005-12-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

so this weekend was good. but now i'm back at school and i just realized that it's the lat full week of school. holy fucking shit. that went by entirely too fast.

last night i felt accomplished because i wrote a lot of my shakespeare paper and read for my other class. i also finished a 10 page paper within a matter of mere hours. hot dayum.

but now i'm so totally stuck with this fucking shakespeare paper. i don't know where to keep going, and i feel like i'm so close to breaking the code and it's on the tip of my tongue...but i'm not and it's pissing me off.

BAH

RU hungry?

2005-12-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

rutgers grease trucks = awesome. matt and i split a fat mojo. sounds kinky.

but i'm still in a semi bad mood. everybody and everything is just pissing me off, especially myself. i think ziggy and i work on a similar level. he's tired too right now because he hasn't been watered all week. but i can't give him water until at least tomorrow because he's not supposed to be watered often. the only thing is, i would like to know whether it's the same deal with me.

i'm just so mentally exhausted from this semester that i have no energy to do anything anymore. i want to prove that fucking bitch shakespeare professor that i can write, and that i do have passion, but god damn, she sucked all the passion out of me. every last ounce of it.

i should be happy right now. i have awesome friends, and things surely but slowly are settling themselves. plus i get to see granny tomorrow!!!

i know it's not my time to shine right now, and that i just have to sit patiently waiting until it is again. i know that one of these days happiness and passion will hit me again, but for now i just want to get through the next 2 weeks.

oh sigh.

not in the greatest of moods.

2005-12-01T15:43:00.000-05:00

what the FUCK is up with everyone today? why is everyone being such a BITCH? like god damn it's really fucking rude and annoying. i was getting in the elevator, and i push my button to go up, and i see that someone else wants to get on, while the doors are closing. so i try to get to the door open button before it closes, but this whore just shoves herself through the moving door and just flashes me this dirty look. you fucking scumbag, i tried to get it open for you. that along with some other things...mostly my shakespeare professor being a bitch as usual, just fucking ticked me off today.

now i have this mother of a paper to write/start writing, and god damn i'm just in a really fucking bad mood.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

2005-11-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

woke up in a really good mood today. i don't know why, but i do believe part of it has to do with me hanging out in katie's room last night. me and katie = bff.

i forgot to update about how saturnight (yes i am making my own words now) we went out to dinner with mommy mccullough and julie to cheeburger cheeburger, and it was quite a delicious time. trivial pursuit while waiting for our food to come and then the most delicious milkshakes afterwards. mmm. then we started decorating for christmas. yay for lights!

yesterday i bought myself a new friend. his name is ziggy and he is the cutest thing ever. this here is a picture of him.

anyway, lots of work to get done this week, and i hope i can get a lot of it done today because i'm in such a good mood.

2005-11-27T01:43:00.000-05:00

so i think i've figured out my problem. i only get uber depreseed and emo late at night when i'm tired and can't think straight. maybe i should do that so much anymore.

i wish i wasn't so emo. i wish i could just let things happen as they happen. it would work out so much better for me.

back to school tomorrow. i really don't want to go. i really want to just stay here and cuddle up and watch movies, and read, and scrapbook. that would be my ideal life. i wish i could just sit around and be me the whole day...whoever me is.

oh but it's never as bad as i make it seem. however i do have a 10 page paper due next monday on a book that i have yet to finish. sigh.

off to bed.

2005-11-26T00:46:00.000-05:00

Overview:
You'd better be ready for a great big surprise, because that's exactly what the Universe has on the agenda for you -- that, and attracting the attention of a most unusual new friend.

that is my horoscope for today/tomorrow. oh boy i can't wait!

no seriously it's time for a change. i don't exactly know what i'm doing, but it doesn't seem to be proving helpful. i spent 2 hours printing shit out for this shakespeare term paper, that turned out to be almost totally useless. way to kill a tree.

if i don't start picking up the pace soon i don't know what i will do. i hope this week will be the week of changes. where everything just starts kind of falling into place again.

i'm so craving eggo waffles. can someone explain to me how when i weighed myself last night AFTER thanksgiving dinner, and AFTER being the laziest college student ever, and AFTER eating so totally not healthy for the past few weeks, i have finally gone down to 130 lbs?

oh the things in life.

getting into the christmas spirit

2005-11-25T17:39:00.000-05:00

as always it's tradition...that the day after thanksgiving we start celebrating the christmas season. call us crazy, but it's only a month until christmas, and a month in all honesty really isn't that long. i like to soak up in the christmas season...it should be the happiest time of the year.

but it seems that the older i get, the harder it is to enjoy it. only because there's almost no time to enjoy it. i'm so overwhelmed with school and such that it's so hard to even know that christmas is going on.

and it seems that every other year christmas is either the happiest season, or a sort of melancholy season. i guess this year it's the latter because as much as i want to be happy it's time for christmas, i'm not. i'm not pissed about it, or upset or sad or anything. i'm just not as happy as i should be. but who knows. maybe things will change.

anyway, tonight's agenda is still in question. i want to get this one part of my math homework done. and i should start reading my research for the shakespeare paper. but in all honesty, i just feel like sitting here at my desk, listening quietly to music, and scrapbooking. i've become filled with inspiration, and i want to scrapbook so bad. but i still don't know.

ah well. we'll see.

a day to give thanks

2005-11-25T01:51:00.000-05:00

it wasn't so bad. of course it wasn't splendid or marvelous, but it was plesant and ok with me. i guess. not sure. whatever.

and today was one of the days where i have to say i was quite pleased with my appearance. i loved the way my hair turned out, the way my outfit looked. too bad i didn't get a picture. it would have made me happy to look at something and not be ashamed of the way i appeared. the only thing i didn't like were my shoes, but in the words of dane cook, "shoes? no fuck shoes."

but in all the worrying about what thanksgiving would be like, i forgot to think about what i'm thankful for. i can already name the obvious, or what should be obvious. but at some point i will have to sit down and actually write down what i am truly thankful for. maybe if i stop lying to myself about what i'm thankful for and what i'm not, things will start going my way. we'll see. maybe. possibly.

the list will just have to come a little bit late. i'm so horrible.

so of course i've been analyzing stuff like no other lately. don't know why, but i just am. i'm trying so very hard to figure out who i am. so that when i stumble across one of those "about me" things on myspace or facebook, i won't have to sit there blankly without an answer or make up something to make me look cool. and then i wonder...is there such a thing where i just don't know who i am? can i describe myself as just that? the girl who doesn't and probably never will know who she is? is it possible to go through your whole life and not know who you really are? i don't know. i hope not.

i've come to terms that right now, things aren't exactly going the way i like. they're not horrible....but it's just not the way i like them. so i'm going to have to do what i've done in the past and just sit here and wait until they do. right now it's time for others to shine and have their lives perfect, and obviously right now is not my time. but good things come to those who wait so i will sit here patiently and wait. no use in trying to control fate.

some guy on conan tonight pissed me off a bit. he was talking about his book and how his book was coming up so high in rankings compared to some rival authors, and then he totally trashed the other authors and tried to give justification for why their books sucked because of their personal lives, and how his was just coming up better because he was a better person. since when did writing books become a game? "sex scandal emerges at the same time your kids book comes out. you loose 5000 readers" like seriously, grow the fuck up. i'm all about writing good books and making them come out on top but let's not make the book industry into hollywood access or some shit.

i'd love nothing more than to sleep in to the hours of the afternoon tomorrow. sadly, i know it won't happen. i'll be dragged out to drive my mom somewhere, in the wee hours of the morning.

i still wonder why i keep on going.

reflections

2005-11-24T00:08:00.000-05:00

so i just spent like 3 hours curling my hair.
not because i was bored. on the contrary, i had/have tons to do. but i'm tired of looking like shit everyday so i decided to look nice for a change.
hopefully it'll hold 'til tomorrow. if not, then i'll cry. but then again i'm not expecting anything spectacular tomorrow anyway, so it's not like i'd be surprised if i woke up to my hair looking like shitake mushrooms.

anyway, staring at my face in the mirror for almost 3 hours was a little scary. i didn't like what i saw looking back at me. i hate how flourescent lights always xray your face and show each and every imperfection. i hope to god that when people look at me under flourescent lights they don't see what i see.

it was so weird though. i was freaked out to tell you quite honestly. staring back from the mirror at me was someone who i didn't even know. my face has changed so much over the years but i've never sat that long in front of a mirror to actually see. i looked old, and mature. but still childlish and innocent. how can i be both at the same time? i don't know.

two things i hate about my face:
1) the lack of color on my eyelashes. without mascara it always looks like i have none
2) the dark circles under my eyes. that's all i've been able to see in the mirror for the past 7 years, and the only reason i remember it's been that long is because i remember first noticing them. they make me look horrible.

anyway. turkey at inez's tomorrow. in all honesty i'm not that very excited. i don't know if she reads this or not, but i really don't like the way i've been treated the past few times we've encountered each other. i wasn't treated like a best friend...i was treated like more of a close acquiantance. what happened to the innocent days of us two just hanging out? i doubt it'll ever be like that again.

i think that i'm realizing that i have to make some major changes in my life before i move on. i have to step it up and realize that i'm not in high school anymore. i'm not a kid anymore. i'm not...anything anymore. what scares me most is not knowing whether or not i'm capable of making a change. let's face it...right now i'm the laziest piece of shit ever...how the fuck am i going to ever step up and make a change?

i don't know. i just don't know. all jibberish. maybe i'm over-analyzing everything, and maybe tomorrow will turn out to be absolutely awesome...

maybe.

things i love (inspired by katie)

2005-11-22T23:26:00.000-05:00

1. the picture of me and my brother in acadia national park
2. my cat
3. having a clean room
4. the smell of books in a bookstore
5. harry potter
6. mrs mccullough and the whole michiels family
7. my new poem book
8. the normal review
9. my bed
10. matt's bed
11. matt's house
12. my music
13.

my lips hurt real bad!

2005-11-21T11:04:00.000-05:00

seriously, my lips have been so gross and dry all this weekend, and this is the first time since like thursday that they are all nice and smooth. my chapstick works wonders.

so this weekend was chill, and i liked that. although i was in one of those moods where i was frustrated because i wasn't OUT doing stuff, but all in all, a good weekend to relax. i know it'll be one of the weekends that i'll remember forever, just because it was so simple. i always remember the simple stuff.

friday night went out to dinner at pizza hut. our waitress was polish and i so totally called it. polska represent! then went to harrow's christmas store. it smelled funky, as do most of the stores around here because we're in the ghetto, but either way, it was christmasy and happy. it reminded me of that amazing christmas outlet in new hampshire that we went to over vacation. i loved that place. i could have sat there for hours. anyway. after that we went to party city, walked around, and then retreated back here. roomate came back with her boyfriend, and so we had to retreat back to matt's room, which was okay.

saturday, garden state plaza. i didn't go crazy with buying stuff. only bought two pairs of knee socks, which fit really weird. and a christmas present for someboy. i was proud of myself, but i have to admit i really wanted to start christmas shopping then. ehhhhh i guess i'll have to do some this weekend. then came back here, chilled. i went to go babysit, got paid nicely, and started driving back home. listened to coheed, but i was quite displeased with the quality the ipod gave me in the car with the itrip, so i put on the cd. it just felt nice...i like driving late at night by myself. got some BK CHICKEN FRIES on the way back for dinner. yeah i'm just that cool.

yesterday was a major chill out day. sat around and did almost nothing all day. laundry and tv. majorly cleaned my room out. i have a whole bag of stuff that i'm taking home, and i'm not done with it yet. did some homework, then sunday night tv.

last night, i was feeling really inclined to draw (mind you this is at almost 1 in the morning) and so i did. i took out one of my notepads, and just drew with my crayons. pictures were not exactly coming out the way i'd had wanted them, but it was okay. they were colorful, and they made me so happy. it was like a release. i was releasing toxins frommy body with each stroke the crayon made. it just felt, so awesome. then i wrote some poem things. i've started doing that lately, just jotting down poems, or even their ideas, so i won't forget the concept later. it makes me happy, because i finally can do it; i can finally get the ideas i wanted for creative writing. maybe i'll make a blog of just my poems.

all in all a good weekend.

but i need this week to be a good week. i need to get an A- at least on my next poly sci paper. i need to do well in shakespeare. i need to do well, with everything. it would make my week perfect.

too long of an entry, but i think i like them better this way.

homework for the future

2005-11-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

find a creative way to describe myself

find out who my heroes are

for best results squeeze tube from bottom

2005-11-19T00:59:00.000-05:00

i wish my life came with instructions. it would be so much easier to just look everything up in an index and find the answers.

do you ever wake up and just...hate everything? just feel mad for absolutely no reason? i did. after my nap today i just felt so completely...mad and worthless and hated everything.

i hate myself because i can't be pleased. nothing ever pleases me. and it makes me sad. i want to be pleased. i want to live life contently. i want to be happy.

i've never mentioned this to anyone before, but i have a vision of afterlife, that probably no one else has. it's the way i've always envisioned it. and i know it's so out there, but i don't know. not saying that i don't believe in heaven but let's just say for minute that i don't. the way i see it we live life twice. before you're born the first time you have a dream in the womb about what life is going to be like for you. but this dream is real. this dream is your life. when you're all done living, God, or another higher power, takes you back to the womb and asks you whether or not you would like to live life again. you decide, and then from there on, if you choose not to you go to heaven or hell or wherever you belong. but if you choose to relive life over again, you know all your mistakes and are careful not to make them again. i see this as the difference between happy people, and unhappy people. unhappy people simply cannot help the fact that they are unhappy because of mistakes they've made. happy people know what mistakes they made in their previous lives, and live life happily knowing not to make the same ones.

i know it's so crazy, and there's so many things wrong with it, but in some crazy fucked up way it makes sense to me.

many days i wake up and wonder if my dream has stopped.

i'm so emo right now.

your eyes tell the story

2005-11-18T16:42:00.000-05:00

so um yeah. haven't updated in a few days because i was livin' it up. yeah you're jealous.

wednesday. coheed and cambria ft. youwithoutme, dredg, and blood brothers.
youwithoutme= special
dredg= awesome, so we bought their cd.
blood brothers= amazing...ly annoying. without the vocals they'd be a pretty decent band. and no sweedish scientist has proved otherwise.

but coheed...was of course amazing. it was everything i thought it was going to be, up to getting killed. semi-sprained my ankle, bruised me toe, and was punched in the stomach numerous times. all in all, worth it. claudio sanchez is my new hero. he's so fucking sexy. it was so amazing, and one day i will find the words to describe what it feels like to literally be standing a few feet away from someone so talented and amazing. i think that's what i love most about these shows...just knowing that someone who can describe exactly the way i'm feeling through music is signing right in front of me. can you imagine...if there was nobody else but me there, he was only a few footsteps away. god, i just can't explain it right now.

anyway, so the show was awesome. before the show we got a bunch of free stuff. i had a conversation through the window of MTV studios with one of their employees. maybe i was on tv! haha no probably not. the nokia theatre was AMAZING. i think that was one of the reasons i enjoyed the show so much, because of the atmosphere it presented; it was perfect. and their background music while waiting for other bands totally rocked my socks off.

then yesterday- totally unexpectedly i managed to snag tickets to the midnight showing of harry potter. SWEET. [WARNING: POTENTIAL SPOILER]
so i have come to terms with the fact that the movie doesn't always follow the book. movies rarely do. we got lucky with the first two, but honestly, we can't complain. since i hadn't read the fourth book since freshman year of HS, my memory of it was obviously not very good, however, as a movie, i thought it was fabulous. many directors make movies of THEIR interpretations of the book, meaning that the movie may add some stuff, definately will cut some stuff (come on this was an 800 page book) so the director i believe did an amazing job. the beginning was a bit rushed, and there were some vital parts that were missing. however, it was still good. very very good. i'll give it 3 and a half stars.

anyway, i'm off to pizza hut at this time, so i'll catch you kids later.

nostalgia revisited

2005-11-15T00:22:00.000-05:00

Sunday, December 28, 2003

too much to handle

i thought i was ready to face him again. but right now i'm a complete mess.

went over to katie's yesterday morning. we chilled looking through pictures at first and then we went out. went to ledgewood mall and the memories just burst back. i saw the wendy's we always went to. the ruby tuesday's we always went to. the barnes and noble we always hung out at. and it gets better. we go to a&p to get stuff for lunch and we pass the entrance to flanders crossing. we passed the playground we always went to to chill and talk stuff out. we passed the beautiful sidewalks that we always used to walk on on our way to commerce bank to do the penny arcade together. we went to a&p...where we always got my film and cards for people. we go home and make pizzas. he gets there at around 1. i was actually better then than i am now. except for the fact that i was shaking like crazy. i look out the window and see the beautiful big red jeep. we eat and exchange presents. we watch some of katie's home videos. we go to walmart and pick up katie's pictures. he goes home after that. then katie and i go out to dinner to cracker barrel. we take the same road him and i used to take to get on rt 10 every time i came over. we hear our songs. god damn fate was really not working in my favor last night. after dinner we have to actually go to his house to get all my stuff that he still had. we drive through flanders crossing while i'm trying to hold back the tears still. all the memories of our walks well up inside of me. with every single detail attached to them. we walk up to his house and i see his mom. she still feels like my second mom. i see jenna, i want to cry even more now. buddy doesn't even remember me now. we say our goodbyes, and walk out. we go back to a&p so katie can get something. at this point i can't take it anymore and i totally break down. all the memories, our first date, our trips to the bridgewater mall, our video game playing, our walks in the summer, prom and prom weekend, me taking the train to see him every week. it was all so perfect, i used to feel perfect when i went there. i fit in perfectly. he had the perfect house, the perfect friends, the perfect family. and now it's just a memory. i'm so confused. i still keep on crying. i can't take it anymore though. i want to be through with crying, i want to be a normal person. why cann't i just be friends with him how we're trying? why isn't that enough???it was so much fun hanging out with him again, he really is an awesome friend. i keep on thinking that this is all maybe a really bad dream and one day i'll wake up and everything will be perfect again.

on a lighter note katie and i made a simba chorus in walmart, and i beat her in monopoly with $8000. gooooo meeeeeee. i rock hahaha. we listened to some good songs in the car, and watched freaky friday last night. cute flick.

maybe one day things will work in my favor again.

so so weird reading that over. i've been reading over a lot of my teenage emo-ness, mainly to get inspiration to write again. but what i realize with that entry is that those memories are far from gone. every single time i drive past flanders crossing, or go to mount olive i get the same memories. i don't get sad about it; they're in the past, and the past was a fun time but it's the past. now is the present and that's what i'm living for. it's just so funny because i don't even have to try and remember these things, they're all still there.

what made me happiest the most, is when i read over the part where he was perfect in every way; how he had perfect friends, the perfect family, and the perfect house. but i'm sorry, in that respect he doesn't have shit over my boyfriend right now. i never thought i could strike lucky twice, but i did, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. it's a shame that what i always wanted was right there in front of me.

sometimes i hate these old xanga entries though, because i felt so powerful writing them; all new experiences equaled all new writing style. now my experiences aren't as exciting, or maybe even meaningful, and anything i write seems so cliche. i think i will really have to work to get what i really want from myself.

schedule done

2005-11-14T23:26:00.000-05:00

after many many many changes, and some sacrifices, i think i have it okay. i don't know. we'll have to see.

um i'm kind of bored, but i have nothing to write
actually wait i do.
i wrote a poem/prose piece in immigration lit...it's a kind of spur of the moment thing so all my thoughts are mixed and you can tell, but he said to just write, so that's what i did.
let me replicate it for you.

(btw the topic was race, violence, and community, and you were just supposed to write whatever you felt like)

My Crayola Box

What's your favorite color in your Crayola crayon box?
White is useless- why even have white? You can't color with white.
Brown is such an ugly color, you can only use it on your tree trunks.
Peach isn't even the color of a peach - why color someone's face peach, when their face is not a peach?
What about your favorite colors?
Green, yellow, blue, or red.
Have you ever seen someone with a blue face?
Or what about yellow skin?
No? What if you did? How would you react?
Is someone green lesser than you?
The brown crayon is used more often than the white.
Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever noticed that you give more love to your brown crayon than to your white crayon?
Maybe you're giving the brown crayon more labor. What about that?
Would you ever use a black crayon to color someone's face? No.
My favorite color is purple.
Do your crayons talk? Can you hear them?
What do they say?
My white crayon screams to be used - it screams for some attention.
Funny isn't it - that the white one needs love.
Do your crayons fight?
Is your indigo mad at the red because the red comes first?
Do your red crayons fight with the blue to see who is better?
Are your red crayons brown? Are your blue crayons brown? No? Then what difference does it make.
The crayons in your crayola box don't care, why should you?

haha it got a lot of approval in class.

i had more to write. but i guess i'll save it for later.

this week's to-do list

2005-11-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

1) clean my room
2) organize my room
3) re-do some stuff in my room
4) laundry
5) stop being tired
6) get my computer organized
7) do a majority of homework tomorrow

umm that's all i have right now. maybe i will get more later.

sour apples

2005-11-12T21:38:00.000-05:00

i feel like sour apples right now. i'm in a sour mood. i'm not mad, nor sad...just bored i guess. and there's so much i feel like goiing out and doing right now that it irks me.

i got this really bad temptation to redo my room again. like totally redo it. i'd keep the furniture but i'd want to arrange it and make it the way i want to. i really wish i could. i really wish i could just repaint my room, and just redo everything. but i'm on a low budget so i don't see how it could be possible. oh grr.

i just hate sitting here and wanting to redo it. i will do something to liven it up, i just have to figure out what.

i guess that when i want something this bad i just get really irritated by it. oh well.

watched charlie and the chocolate factory tonight. i love that movie. so glad i bought it.

ok i'm going now.

i have to admit...it's getting better

2005-11-10T23:07:00.000-05:00

getting better all the time.

no seriously things have been getting better. i think i finally made a breakthrough and with the help of some motivation from people, i got back on track.

yesterday went to the writing center. showed them my graded papers that got low marks. the girl read them over, and she goes to me 'i'd be pissed as hell if i were you. these teachers don't know what the fuck they're talking about, and their comments are offensive.' i was like 'so it's not me and my writing?' apparently not. well....SWEET! that made my day.
then went to dr. batkay to discuss my grades on his papers. he helped me identify some of my mistakes. apparently my writing isn't as bad as he made it out to be, it's just that there's so many little mistakes that it added up to the lack of clarity. told me he'd proofread my next paper before it's due so that he could tell me what was wrong with it. another sweet.
then this picture on the side here, was unanimously (i think) voted into the normal review magazine. even though it's not prose or a poem, it's still something, and the fact that it got so much positive feedback made me even happier. i feel all warm and good inside.
then i wrote a killer of a term paper proposal...i think, and i hope. she better like it, but at this point i won't be horribly upset if it gets sent back to me needing adjustments. i already know that she liked the topic, it may just be the way i presented it.
lastly i have set up my schedule for next semester. if all goes as planned and none of my classes get filled up, i will get to take the classes i want and need, and i'll have wednesdays and fridays off. wednesdays were planned, but fridays were not. too cool for school.
then today i had dinner with mrs m, gran, julie, and matt at the macaroni grill. if you have not been here, go. it's the most delicious casual dining ever. i seriously loved it. i got chicken marsala..mmmmmm. it was definitely unique and good. what's more is that there is a SLIGHT possibility that matt and i will be going to mardi gras this year. nothing promised, but just the fact that it was extended our way made me happy.

so due to my good mood, i have managed to relax and kick back, and just be myself a little this week. it feels good. if i just keep at it, i'm sure i'll end up fine.
tomorrow is friday. poetry reading at 7, and then going home to see g-ma and g-pa. i missed them. and i'll get to see g-pa's new automobile. mmmmm.

Facebook turning into a mini-Myspace?

2005-11-09T10:35:00.000-05:00

AHAHA my turn for a geeky post.

so apparently now you can upload more than just one photo onto facebook, onto your facebook "album" so that people have the option of "looking at more photos of you".
BUT i think that if you have a friend in a photo, it can get tagged by the other person in it...whatever that means. but this means that if you find a person on facebook who has a picture of themself and someone else, you won't have to try and decode which person's facebook you're looking at.

and everybody who has recently updated their facebook profile has already gone ahead and update their facebook albums.

sorry i just thought it's a bit funny, but also cool i guess.

thought creates...

2005-11-08T22:54:00.000-05:00

i woke up in a happy mood, and today was a very very good day. what's even more shocking was that it was a good day with shakespeare. i totally blew my professor away with an observation i made about the plays, and not only was she impressed with the observation, she even okayed it as a topic for my paper. sweeeet. now i just have to write a killer proposal by thursday and all will be good.

then i went to the library and started doing research for my paper, and i asked a librarian for help and she gave me the jackpot where i found so many shakespeare resources it was amazing.

after that i went to trim and tone, and i sucked ass but i wasn't surprised.

then i went to bohn for gamers night and i kicked butt in mario baseball. i'm so uber cool.

today...was looking up.

happy day

2005-11-08T10:54:00.000-05:00

i woke up happy this morning. i don't know why, i'm just happy. so i went over to katie's room for breakfast. she fed me apple jacks...mmm. amanda and i were supposed to go to the gym but my back still hurts, and she's still sleeping. oh well.

one class today, and then some ish to do. i have have have to go to the library today no ifs ands or buts. and maybe a gaming night later with my bohners. but we'd have to be sure that i don't miss the office.

my mornings are so much shorter when i sleep until 10. gotta stop that.

tonight was lax

2005-11-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

researched some stuff for my term paper. i really need to go to the library tomorrow though. get some help. i don't know why i'm so ashamed of asking for help nowadays. i used to go ask for help all the time and now it's so demeaning. i wish i knew that there was someone else like me.

then office space with amanda. special edition dvd with flair. it was of course sweet.

tomorrow is a new day...gotta keep it strong.

so here's a news bulletin

2005-11-07T15:47:00.000-05:00

thin and crispy pizza from noe's does not remain crispy when you heat it up in the microwave. this...was very saddening.

i'm feeling better today. somewhat. sort of. in a tiny way. i don't know why.

i had more to say but i forgot it. grrr.

weekend is over

2005-11-07T00:02:00.000-05:00

i found a pattern in my weeks....

monday is monday, so i have a case of the mundays.
tuesday should be good because i have only one class, but it's shakespeare, so of course tuesday sucks balls.
wednesday is better because i have normal review.
thursday can go either way.
friday is friday but it's the end of the week, and at the end of the day i'd like to just simply sit down and cry out all the frustration from the week.
saturday and sunday are weekend days so they're good 90% of the time.
repeat.

but i hate sunday nights. up until 930 everything is going swell, but after that, i know that the week will be starting over in a matter of hours and it just gets me down.

upside is that i finished both of my papers due for tomorrow before the weekend so all that was left for today was some minor proofreading. downside is that even if i get a good grade on my immigration lit paper, i won't consider it much of an accomplishment since it's such an easy class. i'd have to get an A on both my comparative politics paper, and my term paper for shakespeare to start feeling good about myself again. or at least not to get my term proposal shot down on thursday would be sufficient.

anyway, this weekend we went to garden state plaza. i didn't buy much which was good, but i still bought more than i planned to. whether that's good or bad, i don't know. but i did get the special edition dvd of office space. so that was a plus. the rest of the weekend was spent lazying around for the first time in weeks. played mario baseball for gamecube. sweet sweet game, i absolutely love it.

downside is it's monday tomorrow. and my cd drive isn't working on my laptop. and i still didn't get a chance to talk to jen about the term paper prosal, and i can't find any good sources to use.

but i just keep on truckin'....

can't you help me while i'm starting to burn??

2005-11-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

and i just keep on burning. i feel like i'm deteriorating inside. i'm trying to pull myself together. i'm trying to be strong. i'm trying to be a wall and for nothing to get inside. but it's not working. the fact that my bitch shakespeare professor made an example of my assumed stupidity in front of the class didn't help either. so despite how upset i was, i went into her office after class and got an apology. but that was the one time in my life where i actually hoped death would come unto somebody. horrid horrid thought i know, but i just wanted her lung infected body to roll over and die.
what kills me more is knowing deep down inside that there is some validity to what she has to say. that i am doing something wrong and that to get somewhere in the world i will have to step it up. and that deep down she isn't trying to make my life a living hell on purpose. that she really genuinely just wants to help. but lord how weak i feel. i feel totally defeated.

yesterday i worked like no other to get as much of my homework done before the weekend. i read like crazy, and tried to understand what i was reading. it semi-worked. but sadly instead of feeling accomplished at the end, i felt overwhelmed and helpless. i feel like there is no hope for me. and then i wonder how i let myself get to this position.

i really do want to step it up and get my act together. i really do want to learn how to do things the right way so i won't eternally suck at life. but with each step i take i feel crying and hating myself more for not getting it already.

i just don't know...i don't know. i wish this could be an overnight miracle.

get the word out...oh i'm feeling better now

2005-11-03T00:28:00.000-05:00

yeah so life has become substantially better since i decided to stop moping and get my act together. not like it happened overnight, but even just the slightest bit of additional effort i put into things makes me feel better about myself. plus some insight from some awesome individuals can go a long way. november, you're my new favorite month so far, and it's only day 2.

so since i've decided to be a man about the whole situation, i've been happier and skippier. i don't feel stupid, and it just feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. today i for some reason just wanted to sit down and cry though. but i feel like you have to do that sometimes; just stop life and cry, even if you have nothing to cry about. i've heard that when you cry you release chemicals in your body that aren't meant to be there, and that's why it's good to cry. just having that image of letting chemicals out of my body makes me feel better. when i cry, i can envision each chemical leaving my body, ridding it of poison. but then i start to wonder....say i'm extremely sad, like if matt and i broke up (heaven forbid because i would cry) i would be crying...a lot. so does that mean that my sadness creates these chemicals that need to be released and that's why i need to cry so much, or does that mean that hell i just can't stop crying because whatever.
always thought about that. never thought i'd get the guts to post about it online. i was always afraid of showing my weak side, but i don't feel that crying is weak...in fact i think it's strong.

anyway enough of that emo-ness. life has been good otherwise. today i thought someone was avoiding me, but it turns out that of COURSE they weren't. i'm just paranoid about everything in life.

in addition i have found out that there is a slight chance i might get the position of prose editor for the normal review next semester. now i won't get my hopes up, because i really don't want to get let down again. however, this time around i won't put myself in a position of letting myself be vulnerable to defeat. that was pretty stupid even though it was bold and noble in my opinion.

it's sort of late, and i should be getting to bed. just thought i'd keep you all posted.
btw alex, here's a hug because i know you need it, and i didn't have a chance to post it as a comment on your blog...so .

NEWSFLASH

2005-10-31T18:32:00.000-05:00

this just in.

i've decided to stop bitching and moaning and get my act together. i'm done with being a failure, and i'm done with complaining about it.

thank you.

2005-10-31T14:00:00.000-05:00

i'd like to know...when exactly the stars will turn in my direction and give me what i need. i don't understand why life sucks for me right now because i find myself one of the least deserving. like ... how the hell is karma working right now???

i just...i don't have a clue as to where i am right now. i don't know what to do, what choices to make, i just don't know anything and i wish someone had answers.

weekend?

2005-10-31T11:12:00.000-05:00

weekend...was weird. wasn't bad...but it had its flaws. all in all i had a good weekend and came back here with $268. sweet.

halloween party last night. i was almost gonna not go, but i'm glad i did. it was a fun night and pictures should be up soon.

yeah um short entry. don't know what that's about.

sociology midterm tonight. i'm fucked.

this week needs to end...

2005-10-27T23:25:00.000-04:00

it's not nearly as hellish and discouraging as last week, but yet i feel more discouraged. man i wish i wasn't taking shakespeare. that class puts my self esteem down to a zero.

i wish i could go to borders, buy new books, and just sit somewhere and read them. all day long. not having to worry about why what character said what, or how i know something. just to read. i feel that once you major in something that you like in college, it almost takes the pleasure out of it. maybe that's just me though. and maybe it will get better.

i did all my laundry today. didn't think i'd get past the second load. i guess there's something to feel accomplished for. i wish i had more time to make my room look pretty. and i wish i had more room. i'm going to have to figure something about the lack of room i have here. seriously.

sigh. at least tomorrow's friday.

sigh

2005-10-27T17:48:00.000-04:00

so of course the midterm was mad hard, and i just didn't even feel like trying towards the end. where the hell has my motivation gone? god i'm so fucking pissed off with myself. i can't stand myself right now. i despise myself. what the fuck is wrong with me? i'm gonna feel so retarded after this semester.

i'm so curious how people's opinions of me vary like whoa. explain. how can one person think i'm so strong and admire me, while another thinks i'm weak and that i lack passion, and just plain don't understand why i'm even on the face of this earth. what's your opinion? not like i should care anyway, but i'm just like that...and i do. am i strong or should i just be wiped off the planet because i suck so much at life?

laundry time. maybe cleaning will cheer me up. pft.

it's thursday!

2005-10-27T10:58:00.000-04:00

this week seems like it's flown by so fast. i dunno.

shakespeare midterm today. i feel pretty confident about it, but i'm afraid i might be overconfident and screw it up. let's hope not. i really want to do well on this test.

after that i can come back here and just relax. which i probably won't end up doing anyway...i'll probably end up coming back here...relaxing for a bit, and then start on my homework for the weekend. god i hate myself sometimes. at least i know i'm in no rush.

i have to do laundry today. i have no more pants to wear. not that i did in the first place. but now seriously, i have no pants.maybe i can borrow mommy's credit card and get a few pairs for cheap.

i smell bad so i'm going to shower. wish me xluckx on my midtermmmm.

i feel like i'm on a roller coaster

2005-10-26T23:21:00.000-04:00

i cn be up or i can be down at any point. and i never know when. so cliche i know, but it's how i feel. too bad i can't find another metaphor for it.

maybe it's my fault though? i always said that you can't blame your feelings on other people. only you have the power to feel what you feel. you can't say that this person has ruined your day or whatnot...it was up to you to let your day get ruined by something. but i need a certain amount of emotional strength to get me up to that point, and i don't even have physical strength at this point. you can't have one without the ohter...it's just not possible. at least for me it's not.

anyway i don't really know what to say. the grad school workshop was today. it provided some insight....although since i've somewhat changed tracks, it could only help so much. but i got e-mails of professors who offered to help, so it's all good. it seems like the whole college search thing times 4. i remember that when people started mentioning college, and you can't fucking shit up in order to get into a good school, i ended up getting scared, fucking shit up, and here i am. but not this time. i refuse to get scared. it's stupid. they make it seem 10 times worse than it actually is.

then normal review. i really feel like we're a littly family. it makes me so happy to go there. there were some things today that pissed me off a bit but i'll just have to tough lip it and get over it.

i can't keep carrying on like this...i just can't. somewhere, sometime, i have to stop what i'm doing, stand up, and tell myself that this isn't the way things are going to be.

but that will be somewhere...at some time...that is still undeclared.

i wish my mtv pants weren't dirty. i want to wear them.

today....

2005-10-25T21:01:00.000-04:00

was a much much better day.
actually starting last night it got better.

i went over to matthew's and spent the night there. i love my floor, but only sometimes. a lot of the time they can get really annoying and i won't have the oppurtunity to do my homework in peace, or just have some time to myself. so knowing i would get the benefit of both at bohn, i went there. it was a lax and chill night. i finished up my homework, and then figured out my schedule for next semester. so far it looks pretty good, but seeing as how i have almost no priority on scheduling it will most probably change. i hope not though. the way it is right now is perfect.

then today was a much better day. after breakfast i came back here and slept. and slept. and slept. and it was great to just sleep. because i need sleep. i'm always so tired. finally got my act together and went to class.

we got our papers back today. a B-. usually that kind of grade doesn't flow with me, but for this paper i was ecstatic. i was certain that i'd fail miserably. and it was mostly stupid proofreading errors...which i can't believe i let myself do after like 5 times of reading. but i also realized something. i don't think my grammar suddenly got worse. i'll admit that i'm really lazy this semester, and i should be paying more attention to little grammar errors, but that's only a small part of it. a bigger part of it isn't even MY fault. i think what happened is that a lot of my teachers just let my grammatical errors go. which definitely doesn't help me now because i'm learning just now that my grammar is fucked. but it at least isn't something i'm doing wrong. well i am doing something wrong, but not exactly my fault if until now i was under the impression that my grammar was fine.

anyway enough about that. i'm putting my act together and doing well. i've had enough mediocrity this semester.

but for now it's time for the office. tuesday nights rock my socks. sort of.

for real...i'm quitting school

2005-10-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

like honestly, i don't know why i even stress and try anymore. it doesn't get me anywhere. and it's not like i'm just blowing assignments off and leaving them for the last minute or whatnot...i just really truly suck this year. i got a C on a poly sci paper, that i spent more time on than the first one. why? because of my grammar? i'm a fucking english major, since when does my grammar bring my papers down to a C?

and no matter how many blows to the face i take this year, i still keep going. i don't even know why anymore. maybe it's some subconcious feeling that things will get better? that maybe i won't suck at life forever?

either way i'm saving everyone the trouble, and i'm just going to quit. i don't feel like busting my ass over something that will suck in the end anyway.

midterms are stupid

2005-10-24T09:19:00.000-04:00

so i'm debating whether or not i should even bother studying for this one. i mean i've done well on the quizzes and stuff thus far, but i feel it's only because i got really extremely lucky. all our quizzes this year have been true or false, and i really hate true or false and almost always screw it up. i have no idea how i've been pulling off 90s and 80s on these quizzes because i rarely have any idea what the question is stating anyway.

i'm just tired. i have some worries on my mind and i wish school wasn't one of them. but i guess it's off to study-land.